Let's go round again?
by in for a penny in for a pound
Summary: What if Ruth had walked away from Harry after the Garvik affair. would it ever be possible for them to come together again or had there been to pain and distrust between them? First chapter rated T for language.
1. Chapter 1

Let's go round again?

Chapter One

 **In my world Ruth was just wounded in the last show in the series but it didn't bring Harry and Ruth together. Ruth continued to work at the Home Office and Harry and Ruth were as far apart as they'd ever been. They time line of this story slips between 2011 and 2021.**

 _The idea for this story came from an interview that Nicola Walker gave just before series ten was broadcast when she said that Ruth was very hurt and confused by Harry's action in relation to the Garvik situation. And that she felt that Ruth was starting to doubt everything about her"relationship" with Harry. That in essence she had thought she was "Special" to him but that she was beginning to think it had all been a lie._

Finding a space in the hospital car park at this time of night had been easy, what had not been so easy was getting out of the bloody car! Every bone in her body, every iota of common sense, every thing that she'd experienced and learned in her complicated and entangled life was shouting at her to turn around and just go home. That would have been the sensible, practical thing to do; but when was she ever practical in circumstances like this?

And so she had begun to bargain with herself...

 _She'd just not go in. Full stop no room for negotiation._

 _She'd not go in but she would ring and let the staff know that she couldn't make it._

 _She'd go in, report to the reception desk gather the relevant information and then leave._

 _She'd go in, report to the information desk, gather the information and then make any necessary arrangements before she left._

 _She'd go in, report to the information desk, gather the information and then allow herself to be swept along to whatever end was waiting for her._

In the end it had been no contest because even as she was analysing her responses to the little drama that had been dropped so unceremoniously on her lap she'd known deep down inside what she'd do. None the less she did slam her car door with more force than was absolutely necessary as she stepped out into the chill night air.

Approaching the reception desk she smiled at the girl behind the glass and stated her business, after tapping a few keys on her keyboard the girl asked to take a seat intoning the mantra of all who worked in public services _"Please take a seat and someone will be with you as soon as possible."_

She perched herself on the edge of a plastic chair amongst the others who were here waiting to hear news of loved ones and friends but as she picked up a battered and ancient copy of Horse and Hound and began to flick idly through it's pages she began to once again question why she was here. It was not as though she'd had any contact with him for a very long time. He was part of her past; and the last nine years of her life had been spent running from that life. Or had it been simpler than that had she just been running from him? And another thing was starting to niggle away at her, where had they got here contact details from? There were many questions that needed to be answered and the logical part of her brain knew that the best way to get them answered was to sit tight and see how things unfolded.

So deeply was she engrossed in her thoughts that she was unaware of the young man who was standing in front of her, it was obvious by his body language that he'd been speaking to her but that fact just hadn't registered with her.

Standing quickly she held out her hand saying to him "Sorry about that. I was miles away. This has all come as bit of a shock. I wasn't expecting this at all". As she listened to her voice in her head she cursed herself, who in the world expected to receive a call late at night to tell that they were required at an Accident and Emergency unit. It was the stuff of nightmares.

"I'm sorry. I'm babbling." she said as the young man led her down the corridor towards the treatment cubicles. "And, sorry I don't want to appear rude but I'm intrigued to know how you got my contact details. You see we haven't been in contact for a very long time so this is a hell of a shock in more ways than one."

The young doctor stopped and faced her "He was very reluctant to let us contact you, can I call you Ruth?" She nodded her consent and he continued "As I said he was very reluctant but his first named contact a Mr. Wynn-Jones is not in the country at the moment and well to be honest we had to do a lot of arguing and cajoling to get another contact out of him. We were just pleased when he gave us your number."

"Yes about that" she began "I, we don't really see each other these days" here voice trailed off as the young man looked at her sympathetically. "I know that's it hard" he said "But he seemed to think you'd be willing to come and see him. So I was hoping that your divorce was not too painful and that you could but any old differences aside and well see if you could help him out."

Ruth was about to put the man straight by telling him in no uncertain terms that she and Harry had never been married, had never even been a couple when the man's pager went off and he smiled apologetically at her. "Sorry about this" he said, "we're a bit busy tonight. Can I ask you to wait in my office? I really want to talk to you before you see him."

As she sat waiting for the doctor she naturally thought about the last time she'd had any contact with Harry. She'd been in his office, sent there by her new boss the Home Secretary who in his clumsy, well meaning way was trying to build bridges between them after the fallout from the " _Garvik" débâcle._ Thinking about it now she couldn't quite remember when their polite conversation had descended into a slanging match but she did remember with an awful clarity the scene that made her flee from him; forever.

"Don't talk down to me Harry. I'm neither stupid nor naïve. If you don't want me here just pick up the phone and tell my boss."

"Your boss Ruth? Really your boss? I thought I was your boss. Tell me are you developing a close working relationship with him Ruth? After all you're good at that, making a man feel wanted and valued. You once told me I was..." his voice had trailed away as he looked at her his eyes full of pain and longing. And suddenly all the tension and anger that had been between them came bubbling to the surface and she was furious with him.

"You were my boss Harry, but that was then and this is now. I've moved on and you need to do the same."

"What if I don't want to move on Ruth? He asked, his voice low and accusing.

"Don't even think about trying to make me the guilty party in this Harry Pearce" she shot back at him. "I gave up everything for you...twice. You're the one who spoilt everything. We might have had a chance to finally be together if you hadn't continued to lie to me. I thought, I hoped that I was special to you Harry but you just used me the way you've always used people. You could have told me the truth about the Garvik woman and Sasha but you just didn't trust me enough did you? You just couldn't take that final step. Well I've taken it for you, the only thing is I'm going in the opposite direction now."

As she'd been speaking she'd stood, gathering her papers, shoving them in her handbag intending to leave his office before things got entirely out of hand when his voice had stopped her in mid flight.

"I was wrong Ruth, I know that now but I was only doing what I thought was for the best. I've told you that I'm sorry so many times. I'm sorry that I lied to you, I'm sorry that I didn't trust you, I'm sorry that you were injured again. I'm sorry that I continue you to burden you with my feelings for you, with my hopes and dreams of a future with you. I'm fucking sorry Ruth! What more can I do...I was wrong!

I did it to protect you Ruth, I thought that is was for the best. I knew that things would get complicated and I thought it was best you didn't know the full story."

"Stop right there Harry. That's the bloody problem, who do you think you are to assume that you have the right to protect me? To think that I need protection. I might not be as good a spook as you are but I can look after myself, after all I've had plenty of practice." she stared straight at him, daring him to contradict her before she ploughed on "And as for keeping me safe Harry that's a load of old bollocks and you know it. You used me Harry, used me like you would any asset and do you want to know the really sad thing about that? I let you. I was fully aware of what you were doing and I went along with it because I wanted to help you, wanted to keep you safe. Wanted to believe that in spite of all the evidence to the contrary I was special to you. Well more fool me eh Harry?"

"Let me make it up to you Ruth" he pleaded "There must be something I can say, do. I'll resign from the service. We can just be ordinary, we can get to know one another again. At least let me try Ruth."

"You can do nothing Harry, it's to late for us. I lost everything when I left, everything but the fates were kind and I was given a second chance and now that's gone as well. We need to leave it there Harry. We need to draw a line underneath it and move on before we cause any more damage. Before we hurt anyone else."

Suddenly he was up from behind his desk and propelling her backwards until she slammed into his office wall. "How did he do it Ruth" he demanded of her "How did he do it, how did he catch your eye, what did he do that was so special? Why did you let him in?"

She could tell that he was angry now, very angry but she felt strangely calm. She had never been afraid of him and she wasn't now.

"Was it the size of his dick Ruth? Is that what drew you to him?" he was whispering hoarsely in her ear now his hot breath ticking her neck and throat. "I'd ask how I compared to him" he continued "But of course you never let me near enough to you to find that out did you?" And as he spoke he pushed his body forward so that they were pressed together and she could feel his growing arousal pressing into her belly. "Does that give you some idea of how much I still want you?" he'd demanded as he crushed her lips with his, his tongue demanding entry to her mouth, his left hand fondling her breasts.

She'd managed to pull her mouth away panting as she'd gasped for air "Stop it Harry! Stop it right now" she'd managed as he'd sucked at her neck, leaving a mark that was to be visible for days. "Stop it!" She'd begun to panic then as one hand had slipped under the hem of her top and his other hand was pulling down the zip on his trousers.

Suddenly there was a loud knocking on the office door and they could both hear Dimitri's voice "Is everything okay in there? I'm coming in if I don't get an answer...from both of you."

The intervention brought Harry back to his senses and he called out as he pulled himself away from her "Yes we're both fine aren't we Ruth?" Yes, fine." was all she could manage as she straightened her clothing picking up her handbag from the floor where she'd dropped it.

"I'm so sorry Ruth" he pleaded with her as he moved towards her his voice full on pain and contrition. "I'm so sorry. I don't now what came over me. Don't go, we can talk about this. We can make it right". His hand came up towards her in an act of contrition but even as he begged she was out of his office and across the grid.

It had been the last time they'd seen one another.


	2. Chapter 2

Let's go round again

Chapter Two

After what seemed like an age the doctor was back bringing a nurse with him. After he'd offered her a drink which she declined he began to explain why they'd called her. "It took us a lot of persuasion and I'm afraid to admit it a little bit of coercion to get him to give permission to contact you. Isn't that right Staff?"

The young nurse nodded her head "Yes, he's a bit prickly isn't he? He most certainly has a mind of his own."

Ruth found herself agreeing with the pair that Harry Pearce could be a difficult man to deal with but she also found herself automatically defending him. Telling them that he was in fact a good and kind man who was totally different when one got to know him...know him well that is.

The young man smiled at her, nodding his head in understanding and it struck Ruth that he must have had his conversation dozens of times before as anxious friends and relatives assured him that their loved ones were nothing like the ill tempered patients that he'd been faced with. Swiftly casting aside the notion that Harry could be cast in role of her " _loved one"_ shepressed them to tell her what was wrong with Harry. She feared that they would tell her he'd had a heart attack, after all what age was he now? She quickly did the calculations in her head and with a jolt she realised that he must be at least sixty seven!

"He was involved in a collision with a rickshaw. Apparently he'd been drinking in his club and was trying to hail a cab to take his home when he stepped out into the road and the rickshaw took his legs out from under him. He was lucky, if he'd been hit by a car or God forbid a bus the damage would have been far worse. As it is it's quite bad enough. At his age that is".

The word "rickshaw" had thrown her for a moment and she found herself wondering if it were all part of a plot by the Chinese secret service to take Harry out? But she quickly suppressed that flight of fancy; rickshaws had become a common sight on the streets of central London in the past decade as a novelty but also as an environmentally friendly mode of transport.

"What exactly are his injuries?" she asked deciding not to pay any attention to the reference to Harry's age.

"Dislocated shoulder, we managed to pop that back in quite easily but he's badly sprained his right wrist and his left leg from his knee to his ankle is very badly bruised and grazed, there's going to be a lot of swelling in the next few days. He also banged his head on the kerb as he went down but we've put him through the scanner and we can't see any damage although I suspect he's going to have a couple of really noticeable black eyes in the next couple of days. And I suspect he'll suffer from headaches and maybe some blurred vision. Might even be a little unsteady on his feet."

"You can see Lady Pearce" said the nurse as she joined in the conversation "Why we don't want Sir Harry to be on his own. He seemed to think, well hope really that you would be willing to well take him home and provide the support he'll need?"

"I'm not Lady Pearce" she began. She had to explain, had to put them right but as she was preparing to talk to them both there pagers went of and a red light flashed in the office. "Sorry"the doctor interrupted her "But we have to respond to this. If you go out of the door, turn left you'll find Sir Harry in room seven. Either myself or another member of the team will come and talk to you as soon as possible." And with that they were both gone.

Ruth sat for a moment as she struggled with herself once more. What should she do? Should she follow her head, leave a note with reception and go home? After all Harry was in no way her responsibility was he? Or should she follow her heart? Follow her heart and do as much as she could for the man who had once been the centre of her world.

It was no contest really.

As she stood in front of the door to room seven she took a deep breath before she pushed it open.

Her eyes were drawn straight to him as they had always been; he was lying on the hospital bed his eyes closed, his face drawn and she could see even from where she was standing that the doctor had not been lying because already his face was showing the tell tale signs of heavy bruising and she thought that see could see a cut across the top of his nose. The skin around his eyes looked puffy and discoloured and she had no doubt that by the morning he would be sporting a couple of "shiners". The nurse who was standing in the corner of the room filling in various forms turned as he heard her enter and beckoned her in "Lady Pearce" he began ""I'm so pleased that you could make it. Sir Harry wasn't sure if you would come or not. He, we hoped that you would because, well I'm sure he'll tell you himself how unhappy he was with the alternative arrangements that we'd made". The man shrugged his slender shoulders "He certainly knows his own mind doesn't he?" he enquired smiling at her.

Really she thought this was all getting too much, where on earth had they got the idea that she and Harry were somehow a couple? She had to put a stop to this lunacy now before it got completely out of hand so clearing her throat she replied "I'm not Lady Pearce, I'm Ruth, Ruth Evershed and I want …..."

Whatever else she was going to say died in her mouth as a croaky voice from the bed said "You came Ruth, you came. I told them you would. I knew you would." The voice was slurred, no doubt from the medication and the trauma of his injuries but it was unmistakeably his voice and she turned to him her hand outstretched, the need to touch him suddenly overwhelming.

"I'll leave you two alone for a while" the young man said as he made for the door. "Just press the buzzer if you need anything and Sir Harry please try and stay calm, no sudden movements please you need to let your shoulder heal and your wrist needs to be kept as still as possible for the moment"

Standing by the side of the bed Ruth looked at the man in front of her. He'd put weight on, his face under the bruising whilst not exactly bloated was showing signs of too much alcohol and worse than that she could see that his face wore the world weary look of a man who was not happy in his skin. A man who was not enjoying his life and she felt her heart strings being tugged towards him. And even under the unflattering hospital gown that he was wearing she could tell that he was carrying too much weight around his middle, he'd always been well built, sturdy. But this was different, again it shouted to her tales of a man who had given up on life. But to her he looked, he looked beautiful and she realised with a jolt that even after all this time she was still drawn to him as a moth was drawn to a flame.

"What's going on Harry?" she asked "They seem to think that we're a couple." she couldn't keep the frustration and sharpness out of her voice although she wasn't sure if that was because she was angry with him or herself. He sighed as he shifted uncomfortably on the narrow hospital bed leaning heavily on the cot sides, swearing under his breath as he knocked into them.

"Here let me help you" she said stepping forward to unhitch the catch on one side of the bed so he could sit up. "I'm not a bloody invalid" he snapped back at her his face a picture of frustration and embarrassment. She was just about to snap back when something stopped her, something that she couldn't quite put her finger on; it had something to do with his body language, the way he was finding it so hard to cope with being the one who needed help and she quickly decided now was not a good time to score cheap points so she stepped back and let him get more comfortable in his own time.

"Pull up that chair" he told her "It's hurting my neck to look up at you." He went quiet again as she arranged herself on the hard plastic chair and waited. "I'm sorry to drag you into this, I didn't want to but in the end they gave me no choice. Malcolm was my first point of contact but the lucky sod is off sunning himself in the south of France at the moment and to be frank with you Ruth there was no one else. And the alternative to contacting you was, is unthinkable."

She decided not to question him about how and why he knew where she lived for the moment but to wait for him to fully explain his actions first. "Christ Harry, what did they threaten you with? It must have been pretty bad for you to..."

"They were going to admit me Ruth, they were going to admit me." he stated in a monotone.

"Well maybe you need to be admitted Harry, after all you've had a nasty tumble and at your..."

"Don't you dare mention my bloody age!" he snapped at her his voice and his colour rising, the machines that he was attached to suddenly beeping into life as the young male nurse came hurrying back through the door. As he moved towards the bed he could see that his patient was fine and he assumed rightly that it was just a case of temper getting the most of him. He picked up his wrist to check his pulse before he told him "Please try and stay calm Sir Harry, you're playing havoc with our machines. Do that and I'll do what you told me to do earlier... I'll leave you alone."

When they were alone once more Harry who now had that little boy lost look on his face, his lips pouting in the way that always had had her heart beating faster spoke again "They were going to admit me to a geriatric ward Ruth! A fucking geriatric ward! Don't let them do that to me. For God's sake if you were ever my friend, if you ever cared even a little bit for me, I'm begging you tell them you will look after me. Just get me out of here and you can walk away and never see me again. I swear to that. Please Ruth please!"

She could see that he was very, very angry but underneath there was a vulnerability that she had never seen before.


	3. Chapter 3

Let's go round again

Chapter Three

It was almost two hours later when Ruth got back to the hospital. She'd been quite taken aback when Harry had almost begged her to get him out of the hospital and back home; in the past she'd become accustomed to his total disregard for his personal well being and his dismissal of any medical advice that was given to him but this was something new. Time seemed to have somehow defeated, submerged the old Harry Pearce. Yes, this was something different, there was was an almost pleading tone in his voice and it disconcerted her so much that after she'd calmed him down she'd gone in search of the young male nurse who'd been so kind to Harry earlier.

"He's very upset" she'd began "He tells me that you're threatening him with a geriatric ward, surely that can't be right? I'm thinking that he's got it all confused in his head and he's misheard."

The young man had looked at her, his face a picture of pity and understanding "The pressure on beds in horrendous" he'd started to explain "And I hate to say this but Sir Harry is over the age limit for a general medical ward; we don't have any private beds at the moment and we need to move him out of this department. We want him to agree to the move or we may have to get Social Services involved and my guess is neither of you want that? But the bottom line is he can't look after himself and won't be able to for at least the next few days. I'm sure that he could cope with the pain, by the look of him he's been in the wars quite a lot in the past but he's not as young as he once was and he really needs someone to look after him. I don't want to put any undue pressure on you but I must put the welfare of my patient first; whether he likes it or not."

"He was in the Army" the young man must have seen the damage that years of service to his country had inflicted on his body. "He served on the front line for a long time, he …..."

"I thought it must have been something like that" the young man answered "He's most certainly been through the mill. Some of the scars are horrendous. I think if you don't mind me saying so he must have been a very brave man."

"He still is" she said "And I'm taking him home" the decision had been an easy one in the end. What was a couple of days out of her life? Harry had sacrificed such a lot in the past; he was owed something for that and if part of repaying that debt was a little of her time so be it.

As she sat in the car gathering her thoughts she glanced down at the passenger seat and there sat the keys to Harry's house glinting in the light cast by the hospitals neon security lights. And for one moment as she looked at them they seemed to be mocking her. Mocking her because in the end she'd allowed her feelings for the man to over ride all the things that good sense was telling her to do.

His expensive Saville Row suit jacket had been mangled and torn during his contact with road and edge of the pavement during his collision with the rickshaw, his waistcoat, grey silk tie and shirt were covered in blood and his trousers were completely wrecked both as a result of the accident and the nimble use of surgical scissors wielded by the nursing staff as they'd cut them from his body while gaining access to his damaged legs. In short they were fit only for the dustbin. Harry didn't seem that concerned about the loss of his suit and shirt but definite shades of the old Harry Pearce had come thumping to the surface when the nurse who had come to complete the paper work for his discharge told him that he would have to be discharged in one of their hospital gowns and a blanket.

Even as the young woman was explaining it to him Ruth was watching him, waiting for the explosion and he didn't disappoint, he let rip in the manner that she remembered and soon the young woman was close to tears and she'd had no choice but to step in.

"Enough Harry!" she barked at him, startling all of them "What do you suggest instead? Walking out of here in your birthday suit? Or maybe I could run you up something from some black bin bags? Come on Harry please share your thoughts with us."

He'd had been pulled up short by her outburst and seemed to be genuinely sorry as he mumbled an apology to his young victim before he'd reached awkwardly into the draw of the locker beside his bed and pulled out a notebook and a bunch of keys. Holding the pen awkwardly he scribbled something on one of the pages which he tore out and handed to her. Looking at it she saw that it was an address in one of the best neighbourhoods in London along with what she guessed was the code to his alarm.

"What do you expect me to do Harry?" she asked as she held the piece of paper firmly in her hand.

For a moment she thought that he was going to explode again but maybe something about her face told him that now would be a good time to back off because he said quietly and calmly "I would be grateful Ruth if you would go and collect some things so that I can exit this establishment with what little is left of my dignity in tact. And I would be grateful if you could do it as soon as possible."

The nurse had followed her out of the room where she thanked her for calming Harry down. Once again Ruth found herself with the overwhelming urge to defend him but she managed to control herself this time. This was really all getting out of control. How could he turn her whole world upside down in a matter of hours?

"I would recommend" the young woman told her "That you bring Sir Harry some nightwear, pyjamas and dressing gown would be good. We've given him some pretty strong medication and by the time you get him home he'll be a bit sleepy and he's a big man to try and undress and get ready for bed on your own. But if he's already dressed for bed..."

As it was when she'd got to his house she found that she couldn't quite bring herself to pack him pyjamas, the fact that the only pyjamas she'd found were a couple of pairs that were still in their wrapping stuffed in the bottom draw of his wardrobe seemed to tell her that he wasn't a pyjama man so she'd settled instead for a pair of loose fitting bottoms and a short sleeved tee shirt along with a pair of well worn leather slippers and a dark blue stripped dressing gown. She'd been very self restrained when she'd been in his house and fought down the urge to snoop around although she had taken in the neatness of the place. It had a blandness about it that was sad and depressing and she got the distinct impression that this was not a house of warmth and laughter. She'd slipped into the the spotless kitchen opening the fridge and a few of the cupboards and found that her guess as to the state of them was correct. Her eyes were drawn to a pin board by the kettle were a note had been placed it read

 _Sir Harry_

 _This is to remind you that I'll be away a total of eight weeks. That means I'll be back (here a date approx five weeks away had been inserted). This is the number of a domestic agency who would be able to supply you with a short term housekeeper at short notice; I know you told me over and over again that you will cope but please think about ringing them._

 _I have left meals for two weeks in the freezer but you will have to shop after that. Please try and eat some fresh fruit and vegetables as well as the inevitable take aways!_

 _Thank you so much for my bonus it will come in very handy during my holiday._

 _Yours_

 _W. Evans (Mrs)_

She'd been strangely gratified that he at least had someone who cared enough about him to leave him a note like that but when she'd done a quick check of his cupboards and fridge she was not surprised to see that he'd not taken heed of the advice. All she'd found in the fridge was a very sad looking piece of cheddar some spring onions that looked as though they were on their last legs and a half eaten pork pie. The cupboards were a little better if you were prepared to live on a diet of tinned tuna, tinned tomato soup and baked beans. And she wasn't!

Walking in room seven she could tell that Harry was in a mood. He looked at her with baleful, accusing eyes as she placed the holdall on the bed.

"Well pass it here!" he snapped at her "You know I can't bloody reach it down there and where the bloody hell have you been? I've been sat here like a spare prick at a wedding. I thought I told you to be quick!"

She passed the bag to him "It's nice to see you too Harry" she said sweetly all the time itching to give him a piece of her mind. "I'll just go and see about your discharge while you get changed and we can talk about things on the way home."

"Home, yes home" he repeated as he looked at her; his eyes softening as they did so and she was reminded of the glances and the lingering eye contact that had bound them together in that invisible web they had wound themselves in way back when.

Refusing to acknowledge her thoughts she excused herself and went in search of someone who could discharge Harry and give her some information about what she could expect in the next couple of days; she was no Florence Nightingale but she was determined to do her best for Harry if only for old times sake.

She'd begun to convince herself that things might not be too difficult, the Staff Nurse she'd spoken to seemed to think that Harry should be "up and about" in a couple of days and within a week or ten days he should be well enough to take care of himself. She did give her a leaflet about what signs to look for following a head injury but assured Ruth that she thought it very unlikely that Harry would need further follow up care.

She'd accompanied Ruth back to the side room as she need Harry to sign the **Discharge Against Medical Advice** form and both of them could hear him shouting from the corridor. Taking a deep breath Ruth pushed open the door to find Harry pacing or rather limping up and down the bed space. The next issue was his actual exit from the hospital, it seemed that it was hospital policy that all patients with head injuries had to be taken out in a wheel chair. Ruth was quite prepared for the outburst and waited quietly in the corner while he ranted and raved before she stepped in

"Just get in the sodding chair Harry, or so help me I'll leave you here!"


	4. Chapter 4

Let's go round again?

Chapter Four

Very little was said during the drive back to Harry's house. It seemed as though both of them were unsure; unsure and in Ruth's case just a little terrified. Not of Harry, never of Harry rather she was very aware of how easily she was being sucked into his world again. And she wasn't at all sure she wanted to have old wounds opened, to have old feelings resurrected. She'd spent a lot of time and effort coming to terms with her past, becoming comfortable with it. She'd reached a stage where she was able to think of them all; Danny, Jo, Adam and all the others she'd lost and remember them with smiles as well as tears, joy as well as anguish and she didn't know if she could cope with the hornets nest she might well have stirred up with the decisions she'd taken in the last few hours.

It seemed that Harry was in no mood to talk either as when she'd helped him from the car and they'd successfully negotiated their way into his house he'd turned to her and said

"Do you mind awfully Ruth if I go straight up? I should really take a bath or a shower at least but I just can't summon the energy. I don't know what they gave me but." and his speech was cut short by a massive yawn. He smiled at her, a flash of the old Harry surfacing for a moment before he carried on "Shall I lock up Ruth, make sure it's all secure before I go up? Did you find the spare bedroom?"

Suddenly he looked very unsure of himself as though he had just heard the words he'd spoken "I'm sorry Ruth, am I supposing too much? Of course we haven't discussed if you're going to stay here have we. Sorry to be so presumptuous it's just..."

"Go up to bed Harry" she told him quietly "Of course I'm staying. I'm not going to drive all the way across London at this time of night or rather the morning and you don't have to bother with the door I've got to go back to the car and get a few things. And Harry do you want to give me that bag you're clutching as though your life depended on it."

He held up the white plastic carrier marked _**Patients Property**_ and shrugging he handed it over to her. It contained his wrecked clothing as well as his wallet, broken watch and smashed phone. Taking it from him she told him "We can sort all this out in the morning Harry, just go on up. Shall I bring you a warm drink up? Some hot chocolate?"

"If you can find any hot chocolate in my cupboards Ruth it will be a miracle. If you can find any milk that's fresh enough to drink that will be another one. You, we'll have to sort out some shopping in the morning. I don't want you to starve while you're here."

"Good night Harry. Go on up. I'll be up in a little while."

As soon as the words were out of her mouth she was kicking herself. God why did nearly everything she was saying seem to have a double meaning. They stared as each other before he moved down the hall to the stairs and putting one foot on the bottom step he said over his shoulder

"I'll see you in the morning Ruth. Thank you for coming to my rescue, it's more than I deserve."

She watched as he made his way painfully up the stairs, wanting to offer him her help but knowing instinctively that he would not welcome any such offer. His pride and self worth had been dented enough for one night.

Sighing she turned away and made her way back to the car, opening the boot she took out her overnight bag and the various carrier bags that she'd flung in beside it. This was the reason she'd been late back to the hospital. The trip to her house to collect her belongings had of course been routine but the trip to the twenty four hour supermarket had been prompted by the state of Harry's fridge and cupboards.

In no time at all she'd got everything packed away and made two mugs of hot chocolate which she carried carefully up the stairs. Taking one into the spare room she walked across the landing and tapped gently on the closed door of Harry's room. The bedside light was on and it cast a gentle shadow over the large bed and it's occupant. She moved to stand beside the figure in the bed and said softly "Hot chocolate Harry and it's made with fresh milk."

There was no reply from the bed and his breathing seemed to be deep and steady. Leaving the mug on the bedside table she made her way quietly to the door pausing on the way to pick up his discarded slippers which she placed neatly by the bed and his dressing gown which he'd dropped in a heap on the floor. "Messy sod" she whispered to herself as she hung it on the bedroom door before she made her way downstairs to check the doors, windows and alarms before she collected her bag and made her way back up the stairs.

Harry listened intently to it all. He had been feigning sleep not wanting to give in until he was sure that she was staying. He laid, all of his senses on high alert as he listened to her go out to her car, waiting, dreading to here the sound of her driving off and leaving him. But no she'd not done that and now he was even more terrified because she would here in his house tomorrow and he had to find a way to make her understand that they were meant to be together. From the moment he blurted out her name and contact number at the hospital he been fearful of her reaction. He'd laid there in that small room waiting for them to come and tell him that she wanted nothing to do with him; after all it was what he deserved but she'd come. She'd come to rescue him. Surely that meant something?Or was he just kidding himself?

Sighing he reached under his pillow and pulled out a small key and after opening the draw in his bedside table he took out the photograph that he talked to every night before he slept. It was a picture of the two of them taken in The George a long time ago. They had their heads close together, probably because of the noise but they looked comfortable together, they looked like a couple.

He held it to his chest and whispered into dim light of the room "Well by some quirk of fate she's here now Harry but how are you going to keep her here?" before he placed the picture under his pillow and drifted off to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

Let's go round again?

Chapter Five

Harry drifted awake and rolling over carefully he tried to orientate himself. He was in his own bed but he felt as though he'd gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson. He ached in every place that it was possible to ache, especially his head; the slightest movement only increasing the pain. He felt ancient, ancient and over the hill. Slowly it all came back to him and he closed his eyes once more trying to come to terms with his decisions and the consequences of those decisions.

She had come to him, she hadn't left him to his fate. She had rescued him; that was good right? She hadn't been too angry with him, it had all caught her unawares he knew that and he understood that she'd now be analysing the whole thing, trying to make sense of the situation they found themselves in. She would demand explanations, he knew that. He was also painfully aware that he would need to tread carefully if he hoped to renew his connection with her. That was part of the reason he'd taken himself off to bed last night, he'd not been ready to face the questions she was bound to ask him.

Drifting back off to sleep thinking of the day ahead, he tried to plan what he would say, what she would say. How he would tell her what his feelings were and she would; well what would she do? He didn't know but God he was going to try his best to make her stay with him. But then the more he thought about it the more insecure he began to feel. Who was he kidding? If he hadn't been able to tell her of his feelings when he was at the top of his game, when he had been a man of power and influence how the f—k did he think he was going to tell her now?

When he woke again it was to a gentle knock on his bedroom door and as it opened the smell of bacon and coffee drifted into the room. But, said his brain there's no bacon in this house. "Can you sit up Harry?" Her voice was soft and enquiring as she walked towards him and placed a tray on his bedside table. Looking at the bacon roll and mug of coffee he found he was really hungry and he struggled to sit up, all the time attempting to disguise the difficulty such a simple thing was causing him. When he'd got himself settled she left the room only to appear moments later with another tray that contained a pot of coffee, milk and sugar along with toast, butter and marmalade.

"What time is it?" he asked he as he sipped his second coffee, a slice of toast and marmalade in his other hand.

"Almost lunch time." she smiled at his raised eyebrows, "I've not been up for very long myself, I've had a shower, I hope you don't mind. And we need to see about getting you in the bath today."

"We?" he asked, both eyebrows raised, winching as he did it. Both his eyes were swollen and red and he knew that he must look a fright.

"Is your face sore Harry?" she asked as she really looked at him for the first time since she'd entered the room. She'd been avoiding any eye contact because she wasn't sure about the situation she found herself in and she had a feeling that Harry was equally thrown.

"I think a bath is out of the question Ruth" he told her "I don't think that I can get in and out of the damn thing at the moment, probably in a couple of days but not right now." He looked ashamed and embarrassed to be admitting such weakness to her and she decided to pretend that she'd not noticed his discomfort.

"May I look in your bathroom Harry?" she asked him and he nodded his approval as she walked towards the door. Stepping inside she saw that it was a very masculine room, no signs of feminine influence anywhere. It was functional, the space dominated by the biggest bath she'd ever seen. A bath made for two her traitorous mind told her. Shaking her head she moved over to the shower cubicle, that was also large and she wondered if he could manage a quick shower on his own.

"Could you manage the shower do you think Harry, just a quick one, it'll make you feel better and then I can look at your legs for you, see if they need the dressings changed and make sure there is no sign of infection."

He knew when he was beaten and he also knew that she was right, earlier when he'd had to go to the loo he'd found even walking across his bedroom difficult and it had seemed to him that his whole body was fighting against him. And he really did need a bath or a shower, he felt filthy and he knew that in places his legs had bled onto his bottoms. Yes weighing it all up he was willing to go along with her, for the moment at least.

"A shower seems to be the safest thing, I think I can just about manage that. But I don't think there's any need for you to look at my legs. I can do that Ruth, really you don't need to bother yourself."

"This is not up for discussion Harry Pearce" she told him as she began to gather up the breakfast things. "Your legs need to be looked at and it's either me or I can call a nursing agency and ask them to send over someone to take over your care . It's up to you Harry, either you want me to help you or you don't."

He watched as she cleared away the pots, his eyes devouring her, the way she moved, the way she held her head slightly to one side as though she wasn't quite sure about herself. It seemed he'd not forgotten any of her mannerisms during the time they'd been apart and he knew as he watched her that time had in no way diminished the effect that she had on him. How could he ever have doubted that? Ruth and his feelings for her had ruled his life for nearly twenty years. He closed his eyes as she left the room before he began the painful process of undressing for his shower.

Carrying the loaded tray down the stairs had been touch and go, her hands were shaking so much and at one point she thought she was going to drop the lot but she made it safely into the haven of the kitchen where she sat down heavily at the kitchen table. Sitting down was probably the worst thing she could have done because as she sat there she began to question herself .Why was she still here? Her reaction last night had been purely knee jerk; he was in trouble and he called on her for help. Help that it seemed she couldn't refuse. But now he was home and it would be quite acceptable for her to arrange for a nurse to come in and look after him until he was more mobile and able to take care of himself. After all they were nothing to one another. They were just two people who had once worked together, two people who'd shared a strange not quite romance; a romance that both of them had relentlessly unpicked and scattered to the four winds.

But here she was sitting in his kitchen trying to work out the best way to look at his damaged legs in the least embarrassing way for both of them.

The rational, analytical side of her brain was urging her to be sensible, to think about the last time they'd been together and Harry's actions that day. His actions that day had caught her entirely unawares and she'd never really come to terms with what he'd done. She'd thought about it a great deal over the years; in fact in a way she'd obsessed about it.

Not only had he shocked her, he'd taken away from her a wonderful dream. For so many years she'd thought about the first time he'd kiss her. The first time he'd be brave enough to initiate a kiss. In her mind it was soft and gentle at first, then building to passion and hunger as his mouth moved over hers, as his tongue begged entry to her mouth and in her day dreams she had yielded to him. Opened herself up to him, kissing him with equal ardour as they finally stripped their feelings bare and were honest with one another.

But his actions had ruined all that. He had been so brutal, his actions so out of character that she still didn't truly understand what he'd been thinking. Part of her wished that she'd stayed and had it out with him; if she closed her eyes she could still hear his pleading voice as she'd walked away from him that day, and plainly she should walk away now. She'd done her duty, had repaid any debt real or imaginary. She could leave right now with a clear conscience.

But did she really want to do that?

Deep down inside buried deep by circumstance and fate was the one sure reality that had held her together for almost two decades; the man who was waiting for her upstairs and her feelings for him. Sighing she pushed herself away from the table before she gathered the things she would need in order to make the shower an easier task.


	6. Chapter 6

Let's go round again?

Chapter Six

It had taken him a while to get undressed, every movement seemed to send pain shooting through his body, making any coordinated movement difficult. But at last he was sitting on the edge of the bed in his dressing gown breathless, gasping and feeling every one of his years. Slipping his hand under his pillow he pulled out the photograph and placed it carefully back in it's hiding place, concealing the small key under his bedside light after he'd locked the draw.

His breathing had returned to near normal when Ruth came back and he'd couldn't help but give a small chuckle when he saw what she was carrying. His smile broadened as she dumped her burden on the bed beside him. "What are you going to do with those?" he asked her. "If you want me to engage in some sort of bondage game that involves plastic carrier bags and parcel tape I'm game but I'm afraid you'll have to do most of the work." He knew he was on fragile ground teasing her in this way but he just couldn't help himself it had been so long since he'd had the chance to make her smile and he had been rewarded by the happy smirk that was now dancing across her face.

"You should be so lucky Harry Pearce" she teased him back as she produced a pair of scissors from her pocket. "Can you manage to get your arm out of the sleeve so I can wrap these plastic bags around it so the dressing doesn't get too wet?" He struggled his arm out as she'd requested and then nearly passed out as she came and stood between his legs as she wound the bags around his arm securing them with strips of the tape. The last time they'd been this close he'd pushed her into his office wall, crushing her mouth with his, grinding his arousal into her belly, a time he was ashamed to admit even to himself that had been the source of many fantasies and much longing over the years.

"Are you okay Harry?" she asked concerned that his breathing had become shallow and he appeared to be sweating more than he had been.

"No, no I'm fine Ruth, just a little tired, I don't know what's wrong with me today. I'll just go and get this shower shall I?"

"Watching him as he made his way slowly across the room she called to him "Don't lock the bathroom door Harry, and don't be too proud to call me if you need any help."

"I think I can manage Ruth" he said as he slowly opened the door and disappeared inside the room.

Ruth set about tidying up, she picked up what he had been wearing and noticed that he'd bled onto his bottoms and pulling back the duvet she could see that there were specks of blood on the bottom sheet. She'd have to ask Harry where he kept his linen. And all the time she was doing these mundane tasks she was telling herself

 _Calm down! Don't think about it! She didn't know why she'd thought it was a good idea to stand so close to him. So close that she could feel the heat of his body. Couldn't help but be overwhelmed by the scent of him, the power of him. She hoped that her hands had not trembled too much as she'd wrapped his arm. Bloody man! She thought as she looked around the room for something else to do._

And then it struck her that he should have been finished by now so she went and tapped on the bathroom door calling through it "Are you okay in there Harry? Do you need me to come in and help you?" There was a muffled answer and then silence. "I'm coming in Harry" she warned him and she pushed open the door to be confronted by the sight of a naked Harry Pearce, his back to her leaning heavily against the wall of the shower, the water cascading over him. She was pleased that the shower was running so that he didn't hear her sharp intake of breath followed by the strangled moan that escaped her lips.

From his broad shoulders down to his buttocks was a mass of scars and what looked like red angry burn marks. As her eyes skimmed quickly over his body she thought that it was very likely that Harry's whole career was etched into his flesh. All of the wounds were long healed; some of them had faded into the flesh as though they had been there so long they were part of him. She could have cried for him and for a moment she was consumed with such anger towards the people who had inflicted such terrible damage she had to hang onto the door frame to steady herself. His back was a tapestry that told horrific stories of his suffering more than any words could ever hope to.. Allowing her gaze to fall downwards to his sturdy thighs and legs she could see that not even they had been spared abuse. But on his legs dotted amongst old, faded, healed scars were new abrasions that would need tending.

For a long moment she just stood looking at him, trying to come to terms with what she saw. Of course she'd heard the tales about Harry and what he'd gone through, about the times he'd been captured and tortured over the years and she thought she knew what that would mean but being confronted with it like this was something else.

Pulling herself together she knocked loudly on the open door and raised her voice so she could be heard above the cascading water.

He jumped, literally jumped before he half turned towards her his eyes wide, the fear in them quickly displaced by shame and consternation, his hands automatically moving to cover his genitals. "Ruth! What in God's name are you doing?" he rasped at her as he turned away from her once more.

"Are you okay in there?" she asked him "If you stay in much longer you'll start to look like a prune. You know all wrinkly."

"I can't move" he said "I can't get my bloody legs to move. I'm stuck in here." There was such an air of defeat in that statement that she wanted to cry for him but crying would no neither of them any good.

"Can you turn off the shower Harry?"

He reached up and did as he was asked and she moved towards him with a large bath sheet, ready to wrap it around him. "What do you think you're doing" he asked in alarm. "You can't get in here with me, I'm naked woman!"

"I've seen a naked man before Harry" her words had been just that; words tossed into the air, they had no hidden meaning, they were not said to wound or hurt but as he heard them he felt as though she'd punched him in the stomach and he sagged against the tiles of the shower as visions of _his_ Ruth with other men crowded his mind making it hard for him to concentrate. Had she cared for these men, this man? Of course she had. Ruth was not the kind of woman to go into a relationship with just her body. No. she would need to have her mind and her heart engaged in equal measure. Ruth was not shallow and then he thought about what he'd classed in his mind as "The Cyprus Incident" and he sagged even more as he began to believe that the situation was hopeless, that he'd lost before he'd even really started to fight.

"Harry!" here voice was full of concern and he felt her step into the shower behind him and gently and carefully wrap the bath sheet around his middle securing it firmly in place. "Harry, I want you to lean on me and just concentrate on moving your legs one at a time until we get you back to the bed. Can you do that? Good."

When they finally reached the bed they were both out of breath and physically exhausted. Ruth had not realised just how heavy Harry was and Harry had been so conflicted, so aware of her body close to his, of the fact that he was very nearly naked and the fact that he seemed to be sinking lower and lower onto her with every step that he'd taken that he was in a state of near collapse.

As she helped him to lay on the bed she whispered "I'm sorry Harry, I should have thought this out better, I should have realised that you weren't up to taking a shower on your own. I should have got us some help. It was stupid of me." And with those words she collapsed onto the bed next to him.

He knew that he had to say something, something that would make her stay with him because he feared that he'd heard in those words her telling him that she was going to leave and pass his care onto someone else.

Reaching out he took hold of her hand and said quietly "Don't be silly Ruth. It's my fault for being so damn stubborn and macho. I knew that I was going to have trouble but I chose to ignore that knowledge. I wanted to prove, well God alone knows what I wanted to prove. But anyway it doesn't matter does if because I fell flat on my face anyway. Figuratively speaking that is." And he turned his head to smile at her.

"Promise me you'll be honest from now on. Promise that if you don't think you're up to something you'll tell me and then we can find a way round it. Promise me Harry."

"I promise Ruth and I think that for the next few days we should go with the good old fashioned strip wash. If it was good enough for me when I was a boy it's good enough for me now."

They lay together side by side on the bed both of them concentrating on the ceiling both of them enjoying this unexpected closeness, neither of them wanting to break the spell. That was until Harry shivered and Ruth sat up quickly "You must be catching your death of cold there" she told him as she got off the bed "Do you want anything before I find your dressing gown and we get that damp towel off you?

"Well" he said, a smile playing across his lips "I wouldn't mind if you removed these bloody plastic bags. I think I've decided that this particular fetish is not for me. Thank you very much."

"Let me find the scissors and the other bits and pieces I need" she said over her shoulder as she went into the bathroom "But Sir Harry we must talk sometime about what particular fetish is for you."


	7. Chapter 7

Let's go round again?

Chapter seven

 _ **I'd just like to thank everyone who has taken the time to read and leave reviews for this tale. It means a lot. Especial thanks to those of you who have sent me a P.M.**_

Closing the door of the kitchen firmly behind her she took a moment to compose herself as she fought off the very real urge to bang her head on the table. What in God's name had she been thinking?

Flirting with him like a gauche schoolgirl who had a crush on an older boy. She'd heard herself asking him what kind of fetish he liked in her head and then before she could control it there it was out in the open, hanging between them. Her embarrassment was profound and troubling and once more she questioned herself and her presence here in his house. Ever since she'd answered his call for help she'd been telling herself that there was nothing left between them, that time and distance had eroded anything that might have once been been considered a relationship, but if the last twelve hours had proved anything it had certainly proved that assumption to be a lie. A lie that she had fooled herself with for years. He patently still cared for her; the longing, the need came off him in waves and it would be oh so easy to allow herself to be sucked back into...? And there was the problem. Into what indeed. She closed her eyes before she moved automatically to put the kettle on just needing to do something familiar and comforting as she attempted to ignore what was going on in her head.

Yes, go on ignore it, ignore him she chastised herself;after all you've been doing it for long enough. You should be an expert by now, go on Ruth just keep denying it and it'll all go away. Exhaling she bent to take some vegetables from the fridge for their evening meal. Anything to keep busy so she didn't have to think about the man upstairs.

 _Harry could feel his heart rate slow as he fought to make his body relax. He'd honestly thought that their playful exchanges would, could lead somewhere, where he wasn't sure, certainly not to where he desperately wanted them to go but maybe, just maybe it could have been the first step on a long and perilous road but he could tell instinctively that she was regretting their playful exchanges the moment she stepped back into the room. As she'd administered to his damaged legs his powers of endurance had been tested to their limits. Indeed it had taken all his powers of self control not to sit up and ask her to stop touching him, to talk to him instead of just cleaning and salving his wounds in total silence, her eyes averted from his face. But of course he'd not done that he'd just lain there on the bed enduring the torture and he was grateful beyond words when she finally straightened up apparently unmoved by her actions. "Your feet seem to be okay Harry" she'd told him as she dried them carefully "No damage to them at all which is lucky, it means it should be easier for you to be up and about"_

" _Pretty bloody ugly aren't they?" he'd found himself asking her "Soldiers feet, square and solid like the rest of me. I've always looked after my feet, that's one of the first things they teach you in the army. Look after your weapon and look after your feet."_

 _Even as he lay there alone on the bed he found himself closing his eyes in disbelief. He'd had Ruth Evershed here in his home, in his bedroom, tending to his wounds and the best he could come up with was asking her if she thought his feet were ugly? What was wrong with him? How pathetic must he have sounded to her asking her to comment on his bloody feet!_

 _He'd been surprised that he'd not been in the least bit aroused by her tending to him, no instead he'd been moved by the fact that she was even bothering to do it. He'd thought she would simply give him the essentials and let him get on with it. But no;she'd caught him unawares again. And he was also very aware than even after all this time she was still the one who was in charge. Everything revolved around the rules that Ruth had decided upon, rules that he had never understood and still didn't understand._

 _Rubbing his hand across his forehead in frustration he wondered what his next move should be. Ruth and her rules had been a major part of his life for many years, indeed he'd spent most of the time he's known her trying to figure out what the bloody rules were. The trouble was every time he thought he'd figured them out she moved the ruddy goalposts and he'd been left floundering, defeated and trying desperately to catch up._

 _She wasn't wearing a ring; that was the first thing he'd noticed as she stood beside his hospital bed, and as far as he could tell there was no tell tale mark indicating that she had worn one in the recent past. Of course that didn't mean she didn't have someone...But she had come to him._

 _A long time ago he'd promised himself, for his own sanity that he'd if not forget about her, he could never do that but he would at least put the memories of her safely away only to be taken out from time to time when he was feeling strong enough to cope with the pain that such actions always generated. And yet here he was laying on his bed nearly naked and the object of his affections and longings was somewhere in his house and he the infamous Harry Pearce was afraid to go and look for her for fear of driving her from his presence with a wrong word or a wrong gesture._

 _But in spite of that fear here he was thinking about, no hoping, planning to jump on that same merry go round; willing to once more play a game whose rules continued to totally elude him just on the off chance that she might let him play. What was it Albert Einstein had said about stupidity and it's definition?_

 _How bloody pathetic was he!_

Ruth was just starting to think that she'd have to go up and check on Harry, she thought he might have fallen back to sleep which would have been understandable but he really did need to get up and start moving about a bit; the doctor had been clear on that point when the man himself appeared at the kitchen door. He was dressed casually in jogging bottoms, a tee shirt and a zip up cardigan. "Come and sit down Harry" she told him as she pulled out a chair before placing a pad and pen in front of him.

"Do you fancy another coffee or shall we have tea and biscuits?" Tea and biscuits was agreed upon and Harry took the opportunity to watch Ruth as she moved about his kitchen making new memories to put with the precious one he already had.

When they were sat sipping their tea he asked her "What's the pad for Ruth? Am I expected to make some sort of written confession for past wrong doings because if I am this pad is not nearly big enough!"

"We need to make a shopping list Harry" she told him "If I'm to stay here I'll need more than you've got in your cupboards to keep me going. I did a bit of shopping last night but tomorrow we'll need to replenish our supplies. And I need to know what you fancy." suddenly she seemed flustered and looking away she added quickly "In the way of food that is". He longed to tease her, to tell her what, who he fancied was sat in front of him, that he would live on fresh air for the rest of his life if only she'd love him; let him love her but of course he didn't. That was most definitely in the rules!

"I'm easy Ruth" he said and watched as she coloured, the blood rushing to her cheeks as she recognized the double meaning of his words. Pretending not to notice her reaction Harry rushed on "I'll eat anything Ruth, that's what I meant. Can't you tell by the size of me? You put it in front of me and I'll scoff it."

"Well that's nice to know Harry because I'm doing roast chicken for supper and I thought we could have chicken salad for lunch tomorrow but really there is nothing to eat in this house so I do need to go shopping so put your thinking cap on and decide what you want."

They spent the next half hour discussing what they would have for the next few days Harry requesting a stew and dumplings and Ruth saying that she really fancied a fish pie. They discovered that they both loved cauliflower cheese but hated macaroni cheese. It was all very domestic and mundane and Harry could feel himself sinking into the feeling of warmth and belonging that this simple task was gifting him. So much so that when Ruth suggested that he might like to go and take a nap in the next room while she carried on preparing their evening meal he didn't protest at all. After all what was there to protest about? Just at that moment in time he had some of what he'd wanted for as long as he could remember.

As he drifted off to sleep, telling himself that he'd only close his eyes for a few moments he felt himself to be more content than he had for years except of course for that small niggle at the back of his mind that told him as sure as night followed day Ruth would want, demand an explanation of his actions all those long lonely years ago.


	8. Chapter 8

Let's go round again

Chapter Eight

The tension was killing him.

Ruth had spent three nights under his roof and to all intents and purposes they had settled into an easy routine. Ruth tended to his legs in the morning applying arnica gel to his many bruises which were now changing hue so that his flesh looked like some terrible modern work of art; a fact that Ruth had mentioned more than once. On the plus side the abrasions were healing and as each day passed the stiffness in his limbs was easier to cope with with and movement was becoming easier.A bonus of that was that he was able to cope with his personal needs on his own; he had no wish to repeat the humiliation of that first morning.

They would then share breakfast together and after that Ruth would attend to the house and he would occupy himself in his study, listen to music, read a book and if he was really desperate watch day time television. Anything to ignore the thing that was both drawing them together and pulling them apart.

One of them had to break and in the end it was him.

They'd just finished their evening meal and Ruth had commented as she cleared the table that she would soon have to be thinking about getting back to her normal routine and Harry could see her walking out of his life again; maybe not completely this time but as far as he could see there was a bloody good chance that they would become acquaintances who exchanged cards at Christmas and made promises to meet up for a drink but never quite made it happen.

And he knew that he couldn't let that happen. Even if she rejected him again he had to know that he had tried to make it work, had tried to make her part of his life. And so as Ruth sat back at the table and poured him another glass of wine he took a deep breath, put his life in her hands and spoke quickly before he could change his mind.

"Where did you go Ruth?"

It wasn't so much a question; more a plea as if his very soul needed the balm of her answer to ease his pain.

She looked up quickly, obviously surprised by his words because they had come out of nowhere and for a long moment he thought she was going to ignore him. But as she looked at him he could see her face soften and she seemed to him to be searching for the right words before she finally answered him.

"Well I was a little upset when I got back to work" (There would be time enough to discuss the cause of her upset later.) "Towers wasn't a stupid man Harry even though you were convinced he was" She waited as though she thought that remark might have elicited some sort of sharp response but he just nodded, his face a blank, his mask firmly in place.

"Well as I was saying Towers picked up straight away that I was upset and readily agreed that I take some leave."

"And you never returned" he said it slowly. A whole decade of hurt and longing encapsulated in those four words.

"Well you didn't bother to look for me."

"It was, it was difficult."

"Yes well it was always difficult wasn't it Harry? Difficult and bloody complicated!"

"Where did you go Ruth?" His gaze was piercing and steady and she found she had to look away for a moment.

"I went to the Cotswolds initially, just for a week or so." (She didn't share with him the fact that during all that time she'd been waiting for him to knock on the door of her rented cottage.) "And while I was there it gave me time to think, think about everything. And something Tom Quinn said to me an age ago kept coming back to me; he told me that eventually I would realise that the service was a monster, a monster that would take everything from me including my soul and that he hoped I had the good sense to get out before it consumed me. And the more I thought about that the more I knew that it was my time to go."

"And you'd done it before."

"Yes, it was easy, easier I'd got all the elements ready to go, just in case. I'd non-traceable bank accounts, false passports, new believable alternative lives just waiting for me to step into them. Yes it was much easier this time."

"Really Ruth? It was easy? She could hear the undercurrent of pain and anger in his voice. "Where did you bloody go?"

"Switzerland." she said.

Switzerland? Switzerland, bloody Switzerland! Why?"

"I had to go there to gain access to a safety deposit box and then I was reading a local paper and there was a vacancy for a systems analyst. I stayed for eighteen months, anonymous and waiting Harry waiting."

And she was waiting now, waiting for him to put everything right once more, waiting, hoping, praying that he would be able to make everything right between them. After all hadn't he always been the strong one, the solid one, the one they had all relied on?

Taking a deep breath Harry asked "Can we have a cup of tea please?" He was very aware that his next words could either make or break any chance he might have of a relationship with Ruth. But what kind of relationship? He knew what he wanted, had always wanted but if all that she was willing to offer was some kind of platonic friendship he would grab even that with both hands.

Ruth placed a mug of tea in front of him and took her place across the kitchen table, sipping her own tea and waited.

"When you bolted" he began ignoring her raised eyebrows when he uttered the word _bolted_ "My first thought was to chase after you but I was a coward, I couldn't believe what I'd done. I couldn't believe that I'd been so crass. There was so much I wanted, needed to to tell you but instead I let the tension, the danger of the situation get to me and the old Harry Pearce came thundering to the surface. Once again I made the wrong decision Ruth and I've never regretted anything more in my life. Please believe that."

The silence was almost overwhelming and his need to fill that silence between them was just as overwhelming "I decided, wrongly as it turned out to give you some time to..."his voice trailed away; he suddenly suspected that anything he said at that moment would be wrong.

"Go on Harry" she urged, they needed to do this was her only thought, they needed to clear the air, needed to be honest with each other.

"As I said Ruth I made the wrong choice and then just when I was starting to feel brave enough to ask the Home Secretary where you were the shit really hit the fan. The DG had a stroke, a catastrophic stroke and they booted me upstairs in double quick time. And I was a bastard, I was petulant, aggressive, uncompromising and angry. God I was angry. I realise now that I was in the middle of some kind of breakdown. I should have retired, walked away but instead I stayed and as time went on I found myself more and more isolated and by the time I understood I needed to be part of a cohesive team it was to late. I had alienated everybody; even Section D. I was entirely alone with no way back.

And then they came after me, I won't bother you with the sordid details all I'll say is I quickly learnt the truth of the old saying "

" _Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."_

"What did they do to you Harry?" she asked softly her hand by it's own volition moving to gently take his.

He looked down at their joined hands and sighed. A long audible expression of thanks for her patience. "Oh they were very clever. They managed to get the Americans to re-open the file on Jim Coaver and then they offered me up to _help with their enquiries._ They couldn't wait to get rid of me. Jesus Christ! They very nearly delivered me with a ruddy bow round my neck!"

"Was it very bad?"

As soon as the words had escaped her lips she regretted them, they echoed in her ears, the banality of them mocking her.

"Oh no Ruth it was a sodding picnic!"

His reply, the tone of it and the sarcasm told her that her comment and the triteness of it had annoyed him. She opened her mouth to speak again but he cut her off.

"They were bloody amateurs, I think they were some sort of rogue group or maybe it was decided by someone higher up the food chain that I be given to inexperienced officers so they could practise their skills on me. Their approach was entirely disjointed, nobody wanted to play the bad cop, their whole strategy seemed to begin and end with physical pain. Idiots! Physical pain is nothing it passes. It's emotional pain that I find difficult".

"Harry" she feared where he was going. She was not yet ready for the conversation that his last words would surely lead to.

"In the end I think they got rather fed up with me; rather like a cat gets bored when a mouse it's caught refuses to die. They left me alone in the dark for God's knows how long and when the door finally opened again I thought my time had come but as it turned out they had come to release me."

She squeezed his hand again trying to comfort him feeling so guilty that she had not been there at the time, regrets crowding her mind.

"How?" she asked him

"Malcolm and Section D. It had taken them nearly three weeks to track me down. It doesn't sound like a long time does it? Unless of course you're being kept naked, cold, in darkness and in fear of what is going to happen to you next."

Once again neither of them could think of a thing to say and the silence seemed to suck all of the air out of the room.

"What happened then Harry".

"I never went back to work, it had all been a step to far. Of course my return sent ripples round the services that went right to the top, no one wanted to take responsibility for what had happened to me and even if I'd known for sure I could never have worked with any of them again. To cut a long story short I was retired with a golden handshake and a massive pension."

"After all those years? Just like that. How could they?"

"It was easy Ruth. I made it easy. I just couldn't be bothered any more. I was very ill for a very long time. I had lost everything, everybody. It took me a very long time to claw my way back to anything resembling normality."

"And now Harry? How are you now?"

"I thought about you Ruth; when I was alone in the dark" he said softly, his fingers stroking her hand in a gentle hypnotic rhythm. "While they were doing their worst I thought about you, what we had, what we could have had. It kept me sane and safe. In here" he said tapping his forehead.

Ruth looked at the man who was sitting opposite her, the man who had been her whole world and she tried to make her breathing even, she knew what he was trying to tell her, she knew what he was willing her to say, was desperate for her to say. And for one glorious fleeting moment she considered giving into to him, giving into herself.


	9. Chapter 9

Let's go round again?

Chapter Nine

As they sat together so near but so far apart her mind raced at a mile a minute trying to make some sense of the situation she found herself in. Yeah Gods! She was a mature woman, surely more than half way through her allotted time on earth yet here she was still prevaricating . Why had she answered the bloody phone? Why had she come to rescue him? Why had she let him get under her skin again?

If she were to be completely honest with herself she knew the answers to those questions and the thousands of others she had taunted herself with over the years. She knew the reason why she had never been able to move on and establish a permanent safe relationship with another man.

Yet would allowing Harry what he so obviously wanted be the right thing, the safe thing to do?

When she finally plucked up the courage to raise her eyes and look at him she was startled by the intensity of his gaze, a fact that really pissed her off because it seemed that even after all this time his lazer like regard could still get to her. And her mind flew back to all the times in the past when he'd stopped her in her tracks with looks like this, she'd been able to cope with them and him in the past but here in Harry's kitchen she was transported back to her first day on the Grid when she felt like an intruder; an inadequate intruder at that. One who was living on borrowed time, so keen to prove herself and so very afraid that someone would twig that she was essentially a mole sent to spy on and gather information about Harry Pearce and his team. A team she so badly wanted to join.

During that time she'd flung herself into her work with the commitment of a zealot all the while frightened that she would be discovered. She'd only been in post a week when she'd decided she would not under any circumstances live up to her part of the bargain. She'd had her doubts about it from the start but the more she got to understand just what Section D did and what a tight knit group they were the more she wanted to be a permanent part of it. And above all she knew that she could never, ever betray them.

And as the weeks and months went by some strange hybrid of a relationship seemed to be forming between her and Harry. She certainly didn't know what it was and she suspected he didn't either but it was most certainly growing and evolving in it's own curious fashion. But it seemed neither of them were brave enough to take a step into the unknown and find out what if anything was going on.

Then when Harry had finally decided that they needed to move on it had been her lack of courage that had stopped any chance of happiness they might have had. She would always remember the look on his face when she told him that there couldn't be a second date, lying to him, telling him that it was because she couldn't be talked about, that his authority would be brought into question when the main reason was that she was frightened of him or more especially what she knew he could do to her. He, would she knew be able to see into her very soul, would be able to strip away the layers of amour that she had clad herself in for so long, would be able to lay her bare so that if he ever decided he no longer wanted her she would be devastated, broken unable to go on. And she just couldn't take that chance.

Not even for him.

And then of course the heavens had conspired against them and she was torn from his side. How many times during her exile had she replayed those last moments on the dock? How often had she regretted not hearing the words he was desperate to say but at the same time pleased that she'd not allowed him the chance; because she knew that if she'd heard those words she would not have been able to leave him...ever.

But she, they had been strong. They had made the right choice, they had put Queen and country first and each in their own way they had suffered for that choice. And it seemed to her that they were destined to suffer for the rest of their lives. And suddenly she was so very angry, angry with him, angry with the service and bloody angry with herself and the way she'd allowed herself to be dragged back in to the whole sorry mess. And the fact remained that he had lied to her over and over again, had used her to get what he wanted. He was an enigma to her even after all their years together, in fact the only real truth she knew about him was that he was a ruthless bastard who would and had done anything to get his own way, to achieve his goals and how could she even be contemplating any sort of relationship with him when she carried that knowledge so deep within herself?

He'd been watching her closely, he could almost see the cogs in her brain turning as she analysed everything that he'd said to her, trying to formulate her response and not for the first time he wished that she would just let go a little and stop bloody over thinking every little thing. That was a side of her that both intrigued and frustrated him in equal measure; it always had.

But when her words came they caught him by surprise.

"You made me think I was special Harry, you made me think that we were important to each other, that we might, just might have something...Oh I don't know but something." And then before he could tell her that they still had _something_ she carried on her voice full of bitterness and disillusionment "But that didn't stop you using me did it Harry? And in the end I had to understand that I was nothing more than an asset. You used me Harry just as you had used dozens maybe even hundreds before me. No don't even attempt to deny it. The truth of it is written all over your face."

He closed his eyes. He had known that this was going to be painful but he hadn't realized how raw it all was even after all this time.

"Yes, yes I did. I can see it now. It took a long time for me to come to terms with what I'd done to you. To us. But you were never, ever _just_ an assetRuth."And he held his hands out to her in an act of supplication.

"Somehow that just makes it worse Harry."

And she pushed herself away from the table and out of the room before he could stop her. He sat for a few minutes torn; before he stood and followed her. She was standing in the sitting room gazing out at the rain as it lashed down the drops forming rivulets on the glass.

"Please Ruth" he said "Come and sit with me, please." And as he spoke he placed his hand on her arm and guided her towards the sofa happy beyond words that she made no attempt to resist him. They sat for a long time listening to the sound of the rain and the wind as it filled the room. Harry thought that he had lost her forever when she turned towards him and accused him once more "I was never more than a pawn in your sordid game was I Harry? You used my, my affection for you and twisted it until I did just what you wanted. And do you know the worse thing about it all? I fucking well let you! I was just so grateful that you seemed to need me …...for something! Anything!"

He watched as she took a deep breath and he knew then that it was all going to come tumbling out, all the hurt, all the angst, everything. It had been a long time coming and it would be painful, he knew that but if there was to be any chance for them he had to allow her to get everything off her chest.

"I watched you when you were with her Harry, you just couldn't take your eyes off her. If was if you were seeing her for the first time and you were transported back to Berlin and she was weaving a spell around you again. And I felt …..."

He knew what he hoped she'd felt; jealousy but he didn't say that instead he explained "Yes it was as though I was seeing her for the first time and I couldn't believe what a naive fool I'd been. Oh I don't mean I was naïve about what I was doing, I mean that I was naïve to think that she was what she was pretending to be. Young, scared and in love with me. We were in fact just using each other, both of us feeding off the adrenalin that our affair generated. And I can remember clearly that night being so glad that I'd made the decision to leave her there in Berlin. To walk away from her and the boy. Maybe I knew even then that he wasn't mine. Oh I don't know."

"Why did you put your arms around her in the park Harry? There had been so many times Harry when I would have given the world if you'd done that to me. I could have faced anything if you'd allowed me just a little contact like that. Why did you never try and touch me Harry? It was always me who came to you, always me who tried to …...Why could you do it for her and not for me?


	10. Chapter 10

Let's go round again?

Chapter Ten

Attack had always been the best form of defense and so in spite of any good intentions he might have had that's what he did.

"How can you say that Ruth? I asked you to marry me! For God's sake what more could I have done? And let's not forget it was you who turned me down. You who declared that we were as close as we were ever going to be. That I would be have to be content with what I'd got. And what had I got? The crumbs from your table. That's what. You say that you saw me holding Elena. Yes I did that because, because it was the natural thing to do. She was scared and in danger and yes a little bit of me thought about our previous relationship I can't deny that, I won't deny that but it meant nothing, nothing at all. It was just an act of kindness, misplaced, ill conceived kindness maybe but that's all it was. And I admit that in that moment I needed, was desperate for some human contact, some comfort; however false it was. I was descending into hell Ruth and as far as I could see there would be no way back. I thought, no I knew that I had lost or would be losing everything and everybody that meant anything to me. And just at that moment the feeling of another warm body next to mine was comforting even though I knew that it was all bloody false ; part of the game she was playing, but at that moment I took what I could from it. After all nobody else was going to hold me were they?"

And then he looked at her in the way that seemed to strip her naked so he could see into her very soul "You never said" the words even to her ears sounded stilted and trite but he had her on the back foot again.

He made a bitter mirthless sound that seemed to pain him "You can only kick an old dog so many times Ruth before even it learns the lesson."

"She taunted me about you Harry" her voice was very small and he had to strain to hear what she was saying "She told me that you would never love me, that you would always, always put duty first, that if we ever had a relationship it would be entirely on your terms and that she doubted very much if I could hold your attention for more than a couple of months; that if there was any attraction on your part it was the thrill of the chase and once you'd caught me there would be nothing left. And then I would be left alone with nothing but regrets. How did she know that we weren't in a relationship Harry? How did she know that we were...?"

He slapped his hands on the table making a sound that echoed around the room startling her "Because she was bloody good Ruth, that's why. She'd been reading people and situations for almost all of her life and a lot of the time her life depended on that skill so it's no surprise that she knew just was going on between us. Or should I say what wasn't going on. It would have amused her no end Ruth; her knowing that I was so out of my depth with you and so she just couldn't resist playing a little game with you."

She stood quickly and moved back to the window and even though there was only a matter of yards between then it might as well have been the Atlantic Ocean.

"If you felt like that why didn't you come to me Harry? I thought we were friends at least? Why did you never respond to my reaching out to you? I was broken as well Harry we could have helped each other to heal. Couldn't we?"

"What would you have done if I'd reached out for you Ruth, what would you have done if I'd put my arm around you and told you I was lost. Why would I have done that Ruth?I'd already come to you with my heart in my hands, I'd already offered you everything, stood naked before you and what had you done? Rebuffed me, made me feel worthless, reinforced my knowledge that I was a failure as a father, a would be, well what did I want to be Ruth? Friend? Lover? Husband? Well you made it quite clear that the only thing I could hope for was that we continued to work together and then as I saw the storm clouds gathering I couldn't even allow myself that luxury. I had to get you away from my side, I had to make you safe so that when they came for me you wouldn't be caught up in it all."

As he spoke he'd pushed himself up from the sofa trying hard not to wince or moan as the pain the sudden movement had caused throbbed through his battered body. Setting his face he limped over to the table were he kept the scotch; pouring himself a good measure which he drank down in one, closing his eyes in pleasure as the amber liquid warmed his throat and his belly. Ruth watched him reliving so many moments when she watched him doing the self same thing but as he poured himself another generous measure she spoke, her voice a little more scathing than she'd intended

"Do you think that's wise Harry? I don't think that mixing alcohol with the cocktail of drugs you're on at the moment is the best move do you?"

"Who do you think you are Ruth? My mother?"

She mumbled something under her breath which seemed to antagonise him even more. "No speak up Ruth, why break the habit of a life time? When did you start to be shy about giving your opinion.

And before she could stop herself she found herself snapping back at him "Well if you're going to act like a child I'll treat you like a child."

This time he did laugh, properly and out loud as he looked down at his hands one holding a very expensive bottle of single malt and the other a half filled tumbler of the amber liquid and in an almost teasing tone he asked her "And how many children do you know who swig this stuff? I know that children are more precocious these days but where would they get the money? Do you have any idea how much this costs?"

She'd always been able to make him, well if not exactly laugh out loud then at least see some ironic aspect of a situation that appealed to the man he had buried so deep within himself. Like now it had not always been intentional but she could feel the warmth of all those experiences and she felt the tension leaving her body.

 _Bloody Man!_ She thought as she looked at him beginning to understand how very lonely his adult life had been and still was. He was indeed made of secrets; they all had been but Harry more than any of them; after all he'd had to cope with not only his own deceits but t heir's as well. He'd trusted no one, except maybe her but because of his sense of duty coupled with years of betraying and being betrayed had crippled him emotionally he'd been unable to connect fully with her however much he'd wanted to.

And she'd not exactly helped things had she?

She'd not made it easy for him, before she'd gone into exile the first time, she'd behaved like a school girl with a crush on a teacher, not willing to acknowledge her very deep feelings for him. Because she had loved him hadn't she? Loved him enough to sacrifice everything for him.

And then when she'd returned, snatched from the life she'd managed to carve out for herself she'd been frightened and angry, resentful, so full of passion that she couldn't cope and so she channeled that anger at the one person she knew would take it from her. Harry. Someone had to take the blame and she'd not been ready to shoulder it herself.

She decided to meet him half way, the conversation had been in danger of tipping over the edge, and edge that it would have been very hard to scramble back up from. "If you nurse that measure for a while Harry I'll open a bottle of wine and join you."

He raised his glass to her in acknowledgment but he placed the bottle back on the table before he moved to sit in his favorite armchair, not she noticed on the sofa. They'd been sat in silence for a few minutes when Ruth's phone rang. Harry raised an eyebrow, he'd begun to relish the cocoon he'd been building around them. In his mind he'd been able to block out the rest of the world and he was disturbed that someone from her other life was trying to breach the walls he'd been so carefully building.

Ruth looked at the screen and said "I have to take this Harry, it's work and it must be important if ..." and she stood and walked to the window as she listened. The call seemed very one sided with Ruth saying very little except to protest that she was on leave and that surely someone else could cope? In the end he saw her shoulders droop as she made sounds of capitulation, promising to be there, where ever there was later that evening, agreeing that it would be a good idea if a hotel room was booked for her.

He waited for her to tell him that she was leaving him and she didn't disappoint. "You may have gathered that was work Harry. I have to, they want me to attend a conference tomorrow, I'd hoped my deputy would stand in for me but he's getting the whole presentation wrapped around his neck and he's panicking so..."

"When do you have to leave?" he asked her taking another sip of his whisky. The pathetic part of him wondering if she'd arranged this, arranged for someone to ring her so she could have an excuse to get out of his house.

"Tonight Harry, you'll be okay? No don't look at me like that Harry I'm just checking. I meant to stay a couple more days to make sure you were out of the woods but...I'm sorry, really I am."

"Don't be silly Ruth, you've gone above and beyond what I could have expected from you. I had no right to interfere in your life the way I have." The words echoed in his head. They sounded false and God help him needy. He sounded like the petulant child she's accused him of being not fifteen minutes ago so putting up his barriers once more he stood far too quickly ushering her from the room telling her he'd go outside and make sure her car would start. Anything to get away from her and her judgment of him.

Ruth watched as he limped down the path, thankfully the rain had eased so she let him get on with it. Bloody man! Why did he have to make things so hard for himself. She knew that he doubted the validity of her words and that annoyed her, nearly as much as Seb her boss and her deputy who between them seemed to have undone all her hard work, weeks of work in just twenty four hours and now it was Ruth to the rescue it seemed.

When she came back down the stairs Harry was pacing in the hall and when he saw her he smiled sheepishly saying "I'm sorry Ruth I was very rude. I didn't ask you where you had to be tomorrow. Can you tell me?"

She laughed at him softly "It's not a state secret Harry. Those days are well and truly over. Thank God! No I work for MOLA and we have a presentation in York, we're in need of funding for the digs that are coming up around the extension to the Cross Rail line. So nothing very exciting...or dangerous for that matter."

"That's good then" he said smiling back at her "But surely you're not thinking of driving up there on your own? It's a fair way."

"Don't worry I'll be taking the train Harry, there's one in about two hours so I'll really have to be on my way. Sorry. Are you sure you'll be okay? You can ring me if you need anything. After all you have my number don't you Harry?" She said this as she was moving towards the front the door and as she opened it she turned to him and said "That's something else we have to talk about isn't it?"

As she looked at him he looked so lost and for a moment she considered ringing Seb to tell him to stuff his conference and his job but common sense won the day so instead she put down her bag stepping back towards him; hugging him briefly before she turned back towards the open door and out into the night.

MOLA is the Museum of London Archeology.


	11. Chapter 11

Let's go round again?

Chapter Eleven

As things turned out it was Ruth who called first.

The fact that Ruth had hugged him, even it was very briefly had caught Harry totally off guard. He'd hardly had time to register that she was pressed close to him and then even as his brain was desperately trying to tell his arms to wrap themselves around her she was gone.

He was in danger of her leaving without him expressing any reaction to her gesture but as he heard the front door click shut he managed to rouse himself and before he knew it he was standing on his doorstep calling after her

"Promise me you'll let me know when you arrive Ruth. I need to know that your'e safe."

The words had sounded needy and abject even to his ears but at that moment he didn't care; he just needed her to understand that he cared for her. And he was rewarded when she turned to him and called back

"I promise Harry, now go back inside before you catch your death. And you promise me you'll eat something."

As she settled into the back of the cab the driver looked at her through his mirror obviously trying to determine whether she was up for a chat before he spoke "My missis is like that" he said "Always worrying about me, still it's nice to have someone at home isn't it? Someone who you can go home to. You going away on business? Don't suppose you'd be going away for pleasure without the old man unless of course you're going on a girly weekend but it's not the weekend so that's not it..."

As she half listened to the man in front of her as he prattled on it was on the tip of her tongue to tell him how wrong he was; that there was no attachment whatsoever between her and the man she'd just left. But if that was so why did she feel so guilty for leaving him? After all she was just doing him a favour, her response to his call for help had been a purely knee jerk reaction and she'd always had in the back of her mind the idea that she would just melt into the background once more when he was well enough to take care of himself. And she told herself firmly she couldn't be doing with all the emotional baggage Harry came with. That fact had been most definitely been reinforced over the past few hours as they had both teetered on the brink of total meltdown and she was not willing to go there; she'd shed too many tears, spent too many hours grieving for what could have, should have been to be sucked back into maelstrom that always seemed to surround Harry Pearce.

These thought and many more were still taunting her when she dialed Harry's number later on that night, just a quick call she told herself and then I can get down to some work although Seb had told her as he meet her at the station an informal dinner was planned so that she could meet the man who they hoped would be their main sponsor. "Be nice to him Ruth" Seb had told her as their cab had pulled away from the station "He can make or break us on this particular dig, he's interested but I need you to light a fire in his belly so that he'll part with the cash and we need it pretty damn quick so work your magic girl!"

She'd replied by telling him that she was by no means a girl nor did she think that she was capable of anything approaching magic. Seb had laughed as he looked at her and she thought she heard him muttering "You have no idea Ruth do you? No idea at all?"

So here she was almost ready to leave the sanctuary of her very plush hotel room when she'd much rather get into the beckoning bed calling Harry as he'd requested. He answered the phone on the first ring and as she heard his one word reply "Pearce" she was transported back to a much more complicated time; a time when that one word had meant the word to her because she'd known that when she spoke in reply his voice would change, that even down the phone she could feel him relax, could see a small smile play across his lips as he understood it was her. And she could hear the voice of dear sweet Danny whispering in her ear

 _Seems somethings never change Ruth._

"Harry" she said quickly not wanting to think about the way his voice made her feel "I'm just ringing to tell you that I've arrived safe and well. How are you? Have you eaten?"

There was quite a pause before she heard him sigh "I've been waiting for you to call Ruth. Did you take the scenic route? Where are you, I can't hear anything in the background so I assume you're at your hotel?"

She wasn't in the mood to explain herself to him. Not now when she found herself missing him so much and added to that she was so aware that they had so much left to sort out and that if they didn't sort through the baggage that they both carried on their shoulders there was little chance they would have any chance of any sort of friendship.

"Are you still there?" his voice broke into her thoughts, he sounded frustrated and tense and she wondered if he'd carried on drinking when she'd left? Surely not, not for all that time but of course Harry Pearce was famous for his capacity for drinking hard liquor and she suspected it was a talent he'd been nurturing during the long years they'd been apart. "Yes I'm still here" she'd snapped at him in her frustration and now she was angry not only with him but with herself as well!

Bloody, bloody man!

"Well I won't keep you you've obviously got lot's to do and you don't want to be talking to an old bore like me."

She could tell that he was going to put the phone down on her and she found herself shouting "Don't you dare hang up on me Harry Pearce! Just don't you dare!" There was silence on the other end and she could picture him in her minds eye...pacing. She knew what he was doing, he was preparing to go back in to his shell, back to safety, back to a place where he was on his own. A place where he didn't have to interact with the world except on a purely superficial level; a place where he felt safe.

Well fuck you! Harry Pearce she thought, she'd felt safe and protected until he'd decided to come back into her life. She'd made a life for herself, a life without him and all the pain and the uncertainty that he brought with him. And in that moment she knew that she wasn't going to give up without a fight. She didn't know what kind of a future they could have together, it would most probably just be friendship, they were both too badly damaged, had too much emotional baggage to hope for anything more but friendship was better than nothing. It was more than they had now and in her heart of heart she knew that Harry needed a friend.

It didn't seem as though Harry was going to speak although he hadn't put the phone down and the silence was becoming uncomfortable "Why are you so bloody grumpy Harry?" she asked a hint of amusement in her voice. "Have you eaten anything or have you just decided to fill yourself with alcohol? That's not a good idea Harry."

There was a chuckle at the other end and his voice was amused as he said "Putting down the glass now Ruth and does a take away count as food?"

"It's better than nothing I suppose but promise me you'll not drink anymore. The hospital did warn you about mixing medication and booze didn't they? Again there was a chuckle followed by a very meek "Yes Mother"

"Don't take the piss Harry" she retorted "Three days ago we were strangers, strangers with a shared and complicated past I grant you but strangers none the less. This whole situation is taking some getting used to and I'm not finding it easy".

There was a long silence before he spoke "I sorry" he said "Truly I do understand what you're saying but surely we are more than strangers Ruth? We will always be more than that. We have too much shared history and emotions to class ourselves in that way. It doesn't begin to do justice to our relationship. Surely you can see that?"

He was very aware that he was once again sounding needy and desperate but he thought they were teetering on the edge of an abyss and that at any moment she was going to say that she wasn't willing to see him again. He wanted to say more but he was afraid that if he pushed too hard too soon she would just do what she had always done when he confronted her with his feelings.

Run.


	12. Chapter 12

Let's go round again?

Chapter Twelve

 **This chapter has not worked as well as I wanted it to. I have written it in moments that I've been able to snatch whilst I should be doing other things and I think that shows but I needed to move the story on or lose interest in it.**

"Ruth, Ruth" although his voice was soft and had a degree of humour running through it her companion couldn't quite hide the annoyance that he was feeling. He was obviously more than a little put out by the fact that she wasn't paying as much attention to him and his words as he felt she should.

Ruth gave herself a shake both literally and mentally as she dragged her mind back into the room and away from the flights of fancy she'd been allowing it to pursue. "Sorry" she said "That was very rude of me. I'm afraid that I'm not at my best tonight, it's been a hectic few days hasn't it and I'm not as young as I once was."

Her companion leaned in closer to her and dropped his voice to almost a whisper as he said "I think you're perfect Ruth. You have have no idea how you have enchanted me."

Oh dear thought Ruth this was not going well. It had been an absolute age since she'd allowed herself to be put in a situation like this. A situation where she'd allowed herself to be admired by a man and she was finding it very hard to control were this seemed to be leading. His interest in her had been obvious since the first time they'd meet and bloody Seb had taken full advantage of the attraction.

 _Just flirt with him Ruth, he likes you. We need his money or this project is dead in the water, we'll never find another sponsor in the short time time we have left. Please Ruth, pretty please. For the sake of the project and for history._

The conversation had taken place as they'd walked back to their hotel on the first night Ruth had been in York. They'd had a wonderful meal at a gourmet pub just up the road and it seemed that Seb was very pleased with the ways things had gone. As they walked back to the hotel he'd praised her efforts telling her that she made a really good first impression and that Gary …...had been very impressed with her and her knowledge of the project so much so he'd asked if she'd meet him for lunch tomorrow so that she could explain some of the more technical details to him.

"I don't do technical Seb, you know that. Why didn't you tell him that? Eric or Sally should be the ones who go to lunch with him, I'll just make a total hash of it and then we'll be back to square one."

"What did you think of him?" Seb had asked.

"Who?"

"Gary of course, don't play dumb with me Ruth you know very well who I'm talking about. What did you think of him?"

"He's intelligent but I don't know. I've never meet anyone with so much money before. I think he's bored. Oh I don't know Seb, honestly I've not given it a lot of thought."

"He likes you Ruth."

They had reached their hotel and Ruth turned to Seb "What do you mean he likes me?" He didn't need to say a word the answer was plastered all over his face and she had to fight very hard not to reach out and wipe the look from his face with her hand. Instead she clenched her fists before she spoke "Don't be so bloody ridiculous Seb, I must be twenty years older than him and, well it's just ludicrous."

It's fourteen years actually and since when did age have anything to do with attraction Ruth? He likes you; it's as simple as that."

"I'm going to my room Seb and I'm going to order a bottle of wine which I'll put on your bill and then I'm going to go to bed and then I'll decide the best way to kill you and hide your body. Do not come after me or send anyone else to come and talk to me Seb Baxter. I cannot believe …...Oh just …..."

She'd thought she'd sit up and drink the wine and just let it dull her senses but the lure of the shower and the bed had been too much for her and after just one glass she'd given in and made her way to bed but although she was exhausted sleep eluded her and it seemed the harder she tried the more wide awake she became. After tossing and turning until the small hours she finally gave it up as a bad job and got up.

Looking across the room she could see the open bottle of wine and she was sorely tempted but what would that solve? The problem would still be there in the morning and she would have the added bonus of a thick head. No not a good idea!

She'd liked Garry in a superficial way; in truth she'd hardly paid him any heed at all, she'd been tired and she'd found her thoughts straying back to London and Harry which was stupid because less than a week ago he'd not played even a small part in her life but as she'd sat in the pub amongst all the noise and the cheerful chatter she'd found herself worrying about him.

She'd always known that the Harry Pearce he'd presented to the rest of the world was not the man he was but in the few days she'd spent with him that perception had been reinforced; he was stubborn, funny, insecure and lonely, the last two traits were ones that she knew well. She had first hand experience of them and she thought back to all the times she'd been at some social gathering or other and felt completely and utterly alone. Just like she had earlier this evening but know it was magnified because there was somewhere else she wanted, needed to be but would he want her to be there with him? They still had so much to talk about, so much that had to be confronted and Harry didn't do confrontation unless he was the one in charge. And now to add to the problem it seemed that Seb was convinced that she'd caught the eye of Garry …..a man who they needed in order to get the project off the ground.

She'd finally given in to exhaustion and gone back to bed in the early hours of the morning where she'd fallen into a deep, unsatisfying sleep only to be woken a few hours later by the sound of a gentle tapping on her room door. Struggling up into something akin to consciousness she called out "Just hold on a moment. Just let me …..

When she opened the door Seb was standing on the other side a look that could only be described as hangdog on his face "I've come to say sorry Ruth" he began "I let my enthusiasm, my worry about the project get the better of me. I'm sorry I went too far Ruth, I said things I had no right to say. Forgive me?"

She'd not forgiven him, but she was

much to wooly headed to process his words; bloody hell she thought I should have drunk the bloody wine, I'm sure I couldn't feel any worse than this. "Go away Seb" she said "I need to get a shower and get my head together. Are they still serving breakfast?" When he nodded in reply she told him she meet him in the dining room and watched as he walked towards the lifts.

When she finally joined him Seb was sitting alone at a table well away from all the others. Oh, oh thought Ruth this can't be good. He rose as she approached the table saying "I've asked them to take your order for breakfast Ruth although we are a little late. I can tell that you haven't slept and I know that it's my bloody fault. I got carried away and I said some really stupid things, things that I had no right to say. Can we just forget about it all and pretend that I've not acted like a complete prat?"

Up to that point she'd been going to give him both barrels but he'd taken the wind out of her sails. And after all she'd got enough on her mind at the moment without picking a fight with Seb. "It's okay" she said "Don't worry about it, I was tired last night and I was snappy with you. Let's just put it behind us and decide how best to go about persuading Gary to come on board. Yes?"

The next few days were busy and interesting for Ruth. Her presentation to the conference was very well received and she was pleased and embarrassed in equal parts to find herself sought out by many of the delegates who wanted to discuss their research and ideas with her. And much to her surprise she was even asked to consider working for some of the top museums in the world. All this she told Harry when she rang him at night. It became her quiet time, the time that she took for herself in the madness of the circus she found herself in. Harry was encouraging; up to a point. But she could hear the uncertainty in his voice when she talked to him about her job offers. "Do you really want to be uprooting yourself again Ruth?" he asked when she'd told him about yet another offer she'd had from an institution on the west coast of America. And she'd made the decision there and then not to talk to him about Gary. Gary was becoming a bit of a problem, a problem that she was not sure she could deal with.


	13. Chapter 13

Let's go round again?

Chapter Thirteen

As he said goodbye and ended the call Harry Pearce was once again left to ponder just what was going on. His nightly phone calls with Ruth had become something of a lifeline: he spent all day from the moment he woke wondering what time she would call him, what she would say to him, what he would say her. And when she did call he put all his energies into encouraging her to stay on the line for as long as possible. Then after the call had been ended he began to take apart, sentence by sentence word by word what they had exchanged.

He'd sit in the deepening gloom a glass in his hand, a bottle by his side trying to decipher hidden meanings in the calls. And that would follow him to his bed and into his dreams; dreams that were full of Ruth, Ruth in his house, Ruth by the sea, Ruth wandering through the capitals of Europe revelling in the art, the history, the culture. And of course Ruth in his bed. And all these scenarios were woven together by one common thread. The simple fact that she wanted to be with him, wanted to be in his house, wanted to walk along the beach with him, wanted to explore foreign cities with him, wanted to be in his bed!

He'd come to look forward to the calls, enjoy them. In a strange and entirely unexpected way they gave meaning to his existence something that had been sorely lacking before fate had brought her back into his life. Of course he'd known she was back in England the moment her flight had landed and she'd gone through passport control. He could still remember that day as if it were yesterday. The emotions that he'd felt had overwhelmed him and as he sat nursing his drink he could still feel the strong after shocks caused by the waves of emotion that had washed over him. Joy, longing, relief, excitement, pain, hope. The list had been endless and complex and he'd struggled to cope with it all. Indeed at the time he'd been very afraid that he would be overpowered by it all and he'd had to force himself to take a step back before it was too late.

Of course when she'd first gone he'd tried searching for her as soon as he'd been well enough to undertake the task but so much time had passed it had proved impossible to pick up her trail, she had disappeared, disappeared completely. He could remember with utter clarity berating Malcolm for his failure to find any echo of her and the exchange that had followed

" _She's the best Harry and she's been taught by masters Harry. You and I. If she doesn't want to be found there is nothing that I or anyone else for that matter can do. You'll have to wait until she decides that it's time."_

"Time for what?" he'd snapped as he paced his living room anger and frustration pouring out of him.

What he didn't know was that Malcolm had found an emotional message on his home phone the night she had left

" _I have to go Malcolm, I can't take it any more. I can't. If I stay we'll destroy everything and anything that might have been good between us. All we seem to be doing is damage each other and I can't risk staying around long enough to see him looking at me with contempt in his eyes."_

Although Malcolm hadn't said anything about the message Harry had known instinctively that his old friend had known more than he was letting on and he very quickly backed off not wanting to discuss his feelings and fears.

And so he waited and waited learning to live with the ever present edginess that affects ones whole life when a loved one has gone missing. That constant unintentional looking out of the corner of ones eye, that ever present feeling that she was somewhere close but just out of reach. And he'd found it hard to come to terms with the fact that his head was constantly at war with his heart. His head telling him that she would never come back to him after what he had done to her that day in his office whilst his heart kept telling him that she loved him, that she would allow him to beg forgiveness for his vile behaviour. The only good thing; if it could be called good about the situation was the fact that this time he wasn't haunted by the ever present danger she had been in the first time she'd fled.

A while after their talk Malcolm had come to him and told him that he had now exhausted all the channels of enquiry that he knew of and that he was going to stop the search but that he's set up a programme that would inform them both the moment Ruth set foot back on home soil. It wasn't much but it was all that he had.

When the wonderful day had arrived and he knew she was back in London he'd been faced with yet another dilemma and he was forced to make one of the hardest decisions that he'd ever had to make. He knew that he had to let her make initial contact and he'd waited months before he'd given in to his overpowering need to see her. And even that decision had been made for him.

Once again it was Malcolm who had been the catalyst. Malcolm who had found him drunk and maudlin as he mourned yet another day wasted with no word from her. Malcolm who had stuffed a piece of paper into his shaking hand with the curt words

"Sober yourself up! Stop feeling sorry for yourself and go and see her or drive yourself mad! The choice is yours Harry. I'll say nothing more about it except don't let your pride ruin any chance that you may have with her."

He had gone to her address but he hadn't contacted her. He supposed that in a way he'd stalked her, he's used all his skill as a spook to follow her, to find out what she was doing with her life and he'd found to his chagrin that she seemed to be making a comfortable life for herself. She had a good job at MOLA where she was very highly thought of. She had a good circle of friends both male and female who she socialised with on a regular basis for hadn't he followed her on more than one occasion as she meet with friends in pubs and restaurants around London always careful to stay in the background as he fought down the feelings of envy and regret as he watched her laugh and joke with her companions.

The only comfort that he took from his scrutiny was the fact that she didn't seem to have a man in her life. So he watched her from afar keeping her contact details close to his heart dreading the time he discovered she had moved on and found someone else. And then fate had intervened and they had been thrown together and still he hadn't been able to find the courage to tell her what it was he wanted from her.

He knew in his heart of hearts that if he squandered the chance he had been given he would regret it for the rest of his sad and lonely life and that scared him more than he thought possible. When he'd been working he'd been able to divorce himself from the reality of his situation as he'd thrown himself into his work. It had kept him sane although he had come to the realisation that he had always been teetering on the brink of a total meltdown and now that he didn't have the diversion of his work to distract him he knew that he must find something, someone else to divert his thoughts of despair and what was becoming dangerously close to self pity.

But did he have the right to expect her to take a sad, broken old man into her life. Did he have the right to hope that she would once again sacrifice everything for him. Wouldn't it be better for her if he simply slipped back into the background and faced the long lonely years that stretched ahead of him alone?


	14. Chapter 14

Let's go round again

Chapter Fourteen

As the lift door slid open and he stepped silently into the corridor he tried to make his heart rate slow. This was bloody ridiculous he told himself sharply. What in God's name did he think he was doing getting himself into this state. After all it was just a small reception to celebrate the successful conclusion of the talks in York. Ruth had been happy and enthusiastic about the outcome when she'd called him last night to invite him to join her. It had been on the tip of his tongue to turn her down flat because he didn't know if he could cope with the world of hurt he knew he might be opening himself to. But he'd picked up something in the tone of her voice and by the things that she left unsaid. Something was worrying her and he was determined to get to the bottom of it.

He caught sight of himself in a long mirror that had been placed just by the entrance to the function room; put there no doubt for the benefit of ladies who wished to check their appearance before they entered the room. And despite himself that was just what Harry Pearce found himself doing. He'd spent a long time getting ready, had spent an inordinate amount of time agonising over which tie he should wear feeling like a young boy who was going on a date with a girl he'd had a crush on and who he wanted desperately to impress. Ruth had told him it would be an informal affair but he just couldn't bring himself to dress down, after all she'd not seen him looking smart, suited and booted so to speak since fate had conspired to throw them together and he wanted to show her that he was still...? Well he thought as he looked himself up and down, what was he? The man who looked back at him was not the man he'd imagined himself to be as he sat in the taxi on the way here. The man he was in the taxi was in reasonable shape, did not have a belly that even a beautifully cut Saville Row suit could fully disguise. That man did not have the guilt and the remorse that he carried with him written all over his world weary face. That man was not nearly seventy years old. That man had convinced himself that he had a chance to win Ruth back. But the man who looked back at him, mocking him was not so sure about any of those things and the more he looked at his reflection, the more he thought about those things the more he considered turning round and going home.

Home to the safety of his four walls and a bottle.

But once more fate intervened and the door opened as a tall middle aged man with a head of wild blond hair came bounding out, calling over his shoulder

"Leave it with me my darlings. Uncle Seb will sort it all out for you in no time at all!"

He'd been paying so much attention to his appearance that he failed to move out of the way in time and the man collided with him almost knocking him off his feet. As he fought to stay on his feet and so avoid the humiliation that would surely follow if he had to be picked up off the floor his arm was caught by the man who was all apologies and remorse about the consequences of his action.

"Oh I am so sorry" he said as they both regained their balance and composure. "That's me all over. Never concentrating when I should. Are you okay. You look okay to me. Very smart if I may say so, you'll show up some of the scruffs in there I can tell you. Why don't people make the effort any more? Well can't stand here chatting with you all night. I'm a man on a mission. In you go and I'll catch up with you later."

And with that Harry found himself pushed through the door and into the room. As his eyes darted around looking for Ruth he could see what the unknown man had been talking about; the majority of the men in the room were wearing casual clothes, most of them were in jeans and he hadn't spotted another tie anywhere. Thank God I didn't opt for a three piece suit he thought as his hand fluttered up to the golden tie that he'd thought would be a good idea.

What to do? Silently leave the room and hope that he hadn't been spotted or to hell with all of them and continue further into the party so that he could find Ruth. It was then that he saw her. She was in a corner away from most of the crowd, she looked stunning in a navy polka dot knee length sleeveless dress that hugged her figure in all the right places but she was not alone. A tall man with dark hair was talking to her, his face much to close to hers. His whole body much to close to hers for his liking and he felt a jolt of jealousy and resentment coursing through his body. Was this why she'd wanted him to attend tonight? So that she could show him that she didn't want or need him. To show him that she was more than capable of attracting male attention. That she was not the one who was old, lonely and alone. His hands once more fluttered up to touch the ridiculous gold tie that he'd worn for her and he turned to leave her and the man to enjoy one another when he heard her calling to him.

The man turned as Ruth pushed past him and hurried across the room towards him. He took in the image of a tall well built man in his late thirties. His hair was dark and thick and as the man advanced towards him Harry couldn't help but notice his piercing green eyes. He didn't look happy to be disturbed and Harry was sure that he had meet an adversary before they had even been introduced.

His attention was diverted from the man as Ruth stepped into his arms causing him to instinctively pull her into a close embrace. As she leant into him, her lips close to his ear. "Please Harry" she whispered "I'll explain later." She stepped back and kissed his lips quickly before she said out loud "You're late Harry, I was starting to think you weren't coming. Here let me introduce you to everyone starting with Gary. And she gestured towards the man who was looking him up and down as though he was a specimen on a dissecting table.

They chatted to one another, accepted a drink from a waiter who was moving through the crowd and the two men sized each other up rather like a couple of stags during rutting. Ruth seemed not to notice or was doing a very good job of pretending not to notice the tension in the air as she praised Gary and his support for the project they were working on explaining that it was because of his financial help that they were able to carry on with the important work. Harry listened with feigned interest, taking the opportunity to wind his arm around Ruth's waist pulling her closer to him in a gesture of possession.

The uneasy conversation continued in fits and starts until the man that Harry now knew was Seb called Ruth over to another group standing near by. She had barely stepped away from them before the younger man looked him up and down the merest trace of a sneer playing on his lips "You're a lot, lot older than I imagined". The insult was there as plain as day in every syllable. "What can she be thinking of?" Harry was fully aware that the question was purely rhetorical but he couldn't help himself "I think you'll find that she's thinking of me" and then he added for good measure "All of the time".

The man snorted in disgust and stepping forward he leant in closer a false smile plastered all over his handsome oh so perfect face. "Well **old** man be prepared for all that to change. I want her and I always, always get just what I want." Keeping his voice low and without a flicker of emotion crossing his face Harry replied carefully "Bring it on! Isn't that what you Americans say?" The words were all said in a calm benign manner except that he'd somehow managed to make the word **Americans** seem like the ultimate insult.

Any further interaction between them was brought to a sudden halt when Ruth reappeared at Harry's shoulder. She could sense the tension in the air and her conscience definitely pricked her as she began to question the wisdom of her decision to cast Harry as her _other half._


	15. Chapter 15

Let's go round again?

Chapter Fifteen

Ruth watched as Harry worked the room. _He's good at this_ she thought. The consummate master in fact and as he charmed and won over her work colleagues the lines between reality and fiction began to blur in a most beguiling way.

For his part Harry was becoming re-acquainted with the man he'd glimpsed in the back of the cab on his way here. Of course it helped that he was playing a part but as Ruth introduced him to more and more people he relaxed into his assigned role. He seduced, he entertained and at some point he'd laughed at himself in a entirely unconscious fashion as he'd pulled off his tie commenting about being overdressed; pouting at Ruth as he'd passed her the tie telling her she could _keep it safe_ for him;smiling softly at her as she put it in her handbag and she was positive that she was not the only female in the group who had watched closely as he undid the top two buttons of his shirt.

Keeping her close by his side, holding her hand, sometimes pulling her into him so that no one, especially Gary would be in any doubt that they were a couple was so natural to him. He wasn't quite sure what was going on but he was still sharp enough to realise that since the last time he and Ruth had been together she'd been having problems with _The Bloody American a_ nd that Ruth had used him as a blind to divert the man and his obviously unwanted attentions. For his part he was completely happy to be used in any way that Ruth saw fit, any thing that allowed him to touch her, to flirt with her, to hold her close was fine with him.

For her part ruth seemed happy to stay beside him and once just once he took the chance to plant a tender kiss on her brow. He'd done it entirely without thinking about it; he'd done it because it had been the natural thing to do. A gentle display of affection between two people who genuinely cared about each other. Ruth had not pulled away from him, in fact she'd smiled and squeezed him arm in a show of approval that had sent warmth coursing through his entire body. Maybe the dark side of him nagged away telling him that she was merely playing her part in the charade she'd cast them in and that when this brief interlude came to an end they would be back to the way they had been when Ruth had left his house. He was not at all sure if they had a future together even as friends; so if tonight and the physical contact and playful banter they were exchanging as _pretend couple_ was all he was to be allowed he was going to exploit and enjoy every single moment of it.

Ruth left him briefly to speak to Seb and another group of sponsors feeling confident that Harry was fully in charge of the situation and after she'd exchanged greetings and promised to be in touch about various matters she'd gravitated towards the ladies loo. She was washing her hands when one of the girls from her department joined her at the sinks

"Where did you find him Ruth?" she gushed "He's charming and such a lot of fun. He's just been making us all laugh with stories about his run in with a rickshaw. You're a dark horse Ruth Evershed!"

Ruth was searching for the words to reply to Mandy's questions when Julie from finance emerged from the end cubicle looking like a fashion plate from the latest addition of Vogue. Any words that she'd been formulating died in her throat and she found herself shrinking inside herself. Ruth had always been uneasy in the company of women like Julie; tall, blonde and oh so self assured. Women like Julie were a complete anathema to her. She would never, ever understand their seemingly never ending quest for self gratification.

Julie ignored them both as she silently washed and dried her hands before she began to re-fresh her make up. Pausing as she raised her mascara brush she said

"Yes, he is rather delicious isn't he? Older than I usually go for but there's something about him and live dangerously that's what I say."

Obviously not expecting a reply she turned to face Ruth ignoring Mandy completely

"Have you known him long Ruth? Fancy a bit of friendly competition? Just for fun of course, if you can't have fun with men what are they good for eh? You can have him back when I've done with him and I promise they'll hardy be a mark on him!"

She giggled to herself before she added in a stage whisper

"Well not where you can see them anyway".

Ruth had really disliked Julie from the moment they'd been introduced but had never been able to pinpoint the exact reason but now it hit her like a ton of bricks! The reason she disliked her so much was because she reminded her of the Garvik woman. There was no physical resemblance between the two women, no it was all about the way they held themselves, about their air of entitlement, the aura of confidence and knowing that they spun around themselves. And once she'd realised that fact Ruth knew why she had never warmed to the woman and all her blandishments and attempts to start a friendship.

Julie watched as Ruth struggled to come up with an answer and secretly hugged herself. At last she thought, at last I've managed to pierce the armour of Ruth Evershed. It had rankled from the start that she'd been

unable to make Ruth dance to her tune, not that she was remotely interested in Ruth or wanted a genuine friendship with her, no what she wanted was to be able to use Ruth just as she did everybody else. Julie liked manipulating people especially men, she liked to play with them and their feelings to use them for pleasure and as a means to advance her career but her ego was such that she needed to control the women as well. She needed to be top dog in all her "relationships" but hard as she'd tried she'd been unable to pull Ruth into her thrall and that fact had begun to eat away at her and her self admiration but this evening as she'd watched Ruth with the man she'd introduced to the crowd as her "friend" she glimpsed a chance to make Ruth Evershed squirm.

Leaving Ruth standing by the sink she swept out of the cloakroom in a cloud of expensive perfume. Ruth made no attempt to follow her. Sometime during the exchange Mandy had melted away no doubt seeking the safety of the crowd outside. Nobody wanted to be with Julie when she was in full flow.

As she washed her hands again Ruth thought about Julie's words. What did she feel? Amusement annoyance, suspicion, definite distrust and what was that small niggling thing at the back of her mind? Surely it couldn't be the _green eyed monster._ That would be absurd, her feelings towards Harry Pearce once loving and at times destructive had moved on long ago hadn't they? She no longer woke in the night stumbling from dreams of Harry, Harry as her friend, her lover, her partner. Dreams that left her frustrated, baffled and defeated. But if she had moved on as she kept telling herself why had she answered his plea for help? Why was she enjoying his company so much? Why had she used him to deflect the attentions of Gary; confident in the knowledge that he would immediately understand the need for him to step into the role she'd entrusted to him.

As she stared at the woman reflected in the mirror she searched for any sign of the naïve young woman who had joined Section D with such high hopes, such enthusiasm. She had been so hopeful, so sure that they, she could make a difference but over time she had come to understand the cost of making a difference and a big part of her had been battered, bruised and finally buried six foot deep in an unmarked grave. Was there any hope she wondered of ever finding that version of herself again.

Even as these many thoughts raced around her mind Julie's words still rankled with her. Who did the bloody woman think she was? What right did she think she had to even consider having fun with Harry. And what exactly had she meant when she said that?

She was totally bemused by the whole situation. On the one hand she was frightened of the intimacy that she knew Harry yearned for but on the other she'd enjoyed this evening. Enjoyed being part of a "couple" enjoyed the physical contact. But surely it was much too late for them to put the past behind them to forgive (she would never be able to forget) and try again.


	16. Chapter 16

Let's go round again?

Chapter Sixteen

 **Quite a lot of dialogue and back story in this and not a lot of action, sorry about that but it's just the way it wrote itself.**

Walking along the corridor that led back to the party her eye was caught by an arrangement of pictures showing old London. Stopping to look at them something she'd read popped into her head, something about human beings being the only animals who looked over their shoulders as though the past was calling to them. A past that some of them would like to go back and change.

Was she one of those people?

Would she like to go back and change things? Of course she would. Thinking back she realised that she'd ignored so many chances with Harry. She'd been a fool; never brave enough to take what he had offered, was still offering? After years of self examination and self flagellation she could pinpoint all of the missed chances with heart wrenching accuracy. She should have gone on a second date with Harry. She should have responded to him in the corridor at Havensworth. She should have stayed with him after his heart breaking confrontation with Ros.

The list was endless. Maybe Mace would still have come after her but Harry would have been in a better position to protect her. And maybe she wouldn't have gone into exile, she wouldn't have meet George and caused his death...A tear ran down her cheek as she thought of George and the waste of his life and of course Nico, she had loved that little boy with a love that was pure and true and she knew that he had loved her before her actions and reactions had snatched his father away from him. She thought about him often and the pain she had caused him and his family because of her selfish need to be "normal". She would always have to live with the wrong that she'd done that wonderful boy. Those things she couldn't do anything about but her relationship with Harry?

Did Harry have regrets? Of course he did, he was made of regret, secrets, guilt and worst of all the self knowledge that if he could go back he would most probably do the same things again. How dreadful that must be she thought knowing that your sense of duty and obligation had smothered and subjugated all the finer feelings you might have once had. And to have to get up every day and face that fact must be a living hell. Could she, should she help him with his burden?

Did she have the courage, strength, the resolve to attempt it? Did she have the love?

She slipped back into the function room her eyes scanning the room for Harry. She spotted him across the room but he was not alone, it seemed that Julie hadn't been joking about her intentions, she was standing very close to Harry smiling at him like a Cheshire cat. Bloody Hell! thought Ruth if she were any closer to him she'd be stood behind him! Even as she watched fascinated she found her feet taking her to "hide" behind one of the many large potted palms that were placed around the room. Why she didn't just go up to the pair and break up the cosy little scene she didn't know. Or maybe said a small voice she just needed to know if she could trust him? Needed to know if he would succumb to the blandishments of a woman like Julie; a woman who at one time would have been very much Harry's type. She could feel her hands ball into fists as she watched Julie flirt, flatter and vamp with a confidence that Ruth would never have..

Harry Pearce had never felt quite so trapped. Not even when he'd been kidnapped and thrown into the boots of fast moving cars had he felt so uncomfortable. Who was this woman? She had appeared seemingly out of the blue and attached herself to his side like a sodding limpet. She kept touching his arm as she spoke, nudging him with her shoulder as she made some "witty" remark. Asking him personal questions, giving him information about herself that he didn't need or want to hear. the other people who had been in their little group seemed have drifted away and he wondered if it was because they thought the couple wanted to be alone together or if they also felt embarrassed by the way the conversation was going.

Ignoring the latest fawning words that the woman was uttering he looked over her shoulder desperately searching for his saviour. Where was she?

Ruth felt his hot breath on her neck as he stepped up behind her, not speaking he placed a glass in her hand. Ruth sniffed it. Brandy, well why not! Gary watched with satisfaction as she downed it in one before he picked up a his glass from the small side table behind him. "What are they doing?" he asked in a conversational manner "Really you would have thought they'd take behaviour like that to a more private place wouldn't you? Mind you I don't entirely blame him. I've been on the receiving end of a charm offence by that woman. I can tell you from experience that it's hard to resist. So please don't blame him. Flattery and attention like that can be very seductive".

He waited a heart beat to see if his words would elicit a response, when it didn't he moved closer and whispered in her ear "Do you want to know why I wasn't in the slightest bit interested Ruth? Well I'll tell you. The reason was you."

If he'd expected any encouragement from the object of his attentions he was sadly disappointed. Ruth was still staring across the room, lost in her own little world. "Ruth, Ruth" he chided, trying to attract her attention; just a small note of irritation creeping into his voice. He was not used to having to work so hard in his relationships after all he had always been _The Golden Child_

The only child of a wealthy man, his mother had died when he was very young and his father never re-married opting instead to lavish all his love and spare time into his relationship with his son. Gary had easily lived up to his title; he'd grown up an intelligent, caring handsome youth and then man. Of course he'd had his share of headlines, some good some bad as he dabbled in things best left alone. He'd done some things he was now ashamed of, he'd married in lust,fathered two children in quick succession and then just as quickly divorced.

After the end of his short lived marriage he had thrown himself into trying to be the son his father deserved, a task he found he relished. He was no longer seen on the red carpet, he didn't attend smart parties in Hollywood, New York or Washington but that hadn't stopped the gossip columns trying to link him with every available single women that he came into contact with. And although he'd played the field after his divorce he'd never found a woman who he was drawn to the way he was drawn to Ruth. He'd felt that attraction since the moment they'd been introduced. She was very attractive in a subtle way, a way he was sure she didn't realise. It didn't bother him that she was older than him and he didn't kid himself that he was madly in love with her, he wasn't sure if he was capable of that kind of love but he did desire her physically and he found her stimulating and lively company. She would be a very different trophy wife; one he would be proud to have on his arm and she had a kindness about her that he knew his children would respond to.

Up to now all his attempts to woe her had been rebuffed with at first humour and when he'd become more focused and insistent she'd become quite angry with him before she'd told him she was in a long term relationship. He'd been concerned that she was out of his reach, that he was beaten until tonight and meeting the _old_ man. He'd almost laughed in his face when they'd been introduced. He could not believe that Ruth was involved with such a man, a weary man, a man who looked as though he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. There didn't seem to be one ounce of joy and laughter anywhere within him. And the way he looked at Ruth was pathetic!It was as though she was his salvation, his last chance and Gary had decided to make it his mission to save her from the life of disappointment that this wretched excuse for a man was giving her.

"I'd ignore him Ruth" he carried on "He's obviously not bothered about you. He seems to be getting on very well with Julie don't you think? He's a flirt Ruth. Bet he's been married before and his track record with women doesn't bear close scrutiny". He could tell that something he'd said had hit home so he decided to press his case. "Forget him Ruth. Give me a chance to prove to you that I'm sincere. . You've told me that you'd like to see America, come with me and I'll show you all you want to see and more."

Once again his words were meet with silence but he knew he had finally made her think "Come with me" he urged. "Come out onto the terrace and we can talk." As he spoke he took her arm and led her through the French doors and out into the warm night air.

 **Don't know about this but the more I mess with it the less I like it!**

 **Just a quick word of thanks to everyone who is reading this tale, and especial thanks to those of you who have left reviews and P.M.d me.**


	17. Chapter 17

Let's go round again?

Chapter Seventeen

 **This is much longer than I intended but the words just kept coming and I'm afraid my obsession with Harry and his feeling took over.**

Bloody Hell!

Those were the words he uttered to himself as he shifted from foot to foot. When would the bloody woman take the hint and sod off! He couldn't stop himself from drawing back from her as she leant in to him, one of her enhanced breasts brushing against his chest. He groaned inwardly; why oh why he wondered did some women think that a surgically enhanced bosom was attractive. Well maybe to some men but not Harry Pearce,he preferred his women to be natural not synthetic and his thoughts fled back to the incident in his office when he'd pinned Ruth against his office wall his body pressed so close to hers; in that brief, intimate encounter he'd learnt that the curve and sweep of Ruth's body was entirely natural. He closed his eyes briefly as he remembered that moment with a mix of shame and a pleasure that he knew he shouldn't feel. The shame he felt at being so crass was somehow made worse by the pleasure that he still felt when he thought about her pressed up against that wall,her chest heaving, her body squirming against his as his lips crushed hers, as his mouth moved to her neck where he was sure he'd left a mark. Was he ashamed of marking her as he was sure he had? Part of him was very ashamed but the strong male hunter gatherer part of him was only sorry that he'd not been able to see the result of his attack.

And as he thought about that mark of "ownership" he'd left on her he felt the inevitable physical reaction to his thoughts. Quickly he moved away from the woman in front of him. The last thing he wanted was for her to think that she was having an effect on him. "Look, it's lovely talking to you Julia" he told her not even aware that he'd got her name wrong "But I really must excuse myself, when you get to my age...well I'm sure you understand."

He moved away from her quickly before she had chance to reply. With a bit of luck she'd find a new "victim" before he came back to the the party. As it turned out he was away much longer than he intended.

After washing his hands he leant on the basin and looked himself in the eye, not something he did very often; he always felt a degree of shame when he looked at his reflection. Shame that he had survived when so many others had perished, shame that he had sent so many to their deaths, shame that he had killed, shame that he had deserted his family, shame that he had caused so much pain and a deeper more profound shame because he knew he would do it all over again if he were asked.

And then there was Ruth; Ruth who could have, should have been his salvation. And because he'd been selfish enough to think that he deserved salvation he'd thrown caution to the wind and allowed his need for her to become known and that knowledge had been seized upon by his enemies and used against him.

He closed his eyes and leant his forehead against the mirror as he thought of all the chances he'd missed, times when he should have been more resolute, when he should have at least tried to make her realise that they belonged together. Why hadn't he kissed her the way he wanted to after there one and only date? He had been so shy that night, so unsure of himself, so needy.

They'd played a game that night, a game with no rules, a game that they were making up as they went along. Ruth had been so captivating that night and he'd glimpsed what they could have had together. It had seemed to him that he was within touching distance of Nirvana; a place that he hadn't realised existed for a broken man like him but there she was Ruth Evershed and she could be his redemption. And as he drove away from her home that night he was convinced that they had a future, that they could face anything as a couple. He knew that she would be reluctant to go public with their relationship but he was more than willing to take things slowly, to let her set the pace. In his head he had planned quiet evenings in, walks by the sea, maybe the chance to walk Scarlett on Hampstead Heath. Laughing together, teasing, courting in the old fashioned way. He would let her set the pace; she was worth it.

And then she'd shattered all his dreams, all his plans by telling him she couldn't see him again. Why of why hadn't he taken her in his arms and made her see that they belonged together. That they were to all intents and purposes a couple, that as far as the rest of the Grid and nearly all of Thames House were concerned they were already intimate. But he had been so crushed by her rejection he'd been unable to convince her she was wrong.

And then that night in the corridor at Havensworth, he knew now that he had scared her with his raw emotion, his need. How he had controlled himself as he'd leant into her breathing in her scent, her arousal because she had been aroused; he'd seen it in her eyes, her body language, he'd smelt in on her just as she must have smelt it on him. Maybe that was what frightened her? Maybe their need for each other had been too much for her? He should have controlled himself better and simply asked her to join him for a friendly drink...no strings attached and tried to move on from there instead of letting her bolt. And then that night in his office after Ros Myers had torn him into strips. Had bought into clear focus all that was wrong with him and his private life, his lack of connection with anyone on a deeply personal level it had been Ruth who'd had the courage, the love? To come to him and offer comfort and reassurance. Why oh why hadn't he had the guts to respond to her gentle touch on his arm as she reached out to him.

And then that morning on the dock he should have gathered her up and borne her away to a safe place until he'd found a way to defeat Mace and his cronies. But no, once again he'd allowed their shared insecurities to come between them. He should have told her there and then that he loved her, that he needed her. That they needed each other but instead he'd allowed her to sail away into an exile that he was entirely responsible for.

And that exile had been complete.

As the weeks turned into months and the months into years he had on an almost daily basis fought with himself. On one side was Harry Pearce the pragmatist, the man who accepted that she was gone and that he had to just get on with things, that he would always be alone. That he would die alone and unloved, most probably un-mourned as well. That his funeral if he died whilst still in the service would be attended in the most part by people who didn't care about Harry Pearce the man and most likely most of the mourners would be there to make sure he was really dead! And if he did survive until retirement there would be even less people to mourn him and no doubt his passing would go unobserved until months later someone would ask at his club "Has anyone seen that old bastard Harry Pearce lately?"

That Harry Pearce knew that any attempt on his part to find her would most surely lead to her death or her capture and torture so he'd put aside any thoughts of her returning to him and simply

put his head down and got on with the job not noticing that with each passing day he became more and more morose, harder, greyer more unforgiving, more cynical. A shadow of his former self.

But the few quiet times he allowed himself had been filled with thoughts of her; her smile, her soft voice, the way her eyes flashed when she was angry with him. Oh how he loved it when she was angry with him, he could remember with a clarity that was almost painful the first time she disagreed with him, had told him he was wrong in no un-certain terms. He missed that; she'd become his moral compass, able to point him in the right direction, able to talk him out of his more rash decisions. She'd been the one who made him take a deep breath and not go with his first, sometimes rash choice and the times that the decision had been the right one she'd been the one who'd sat with him as he waited for the outcomes.

He'd missed her slamming into his office ready to tell him in no uncertain terms that he was wrong or more often than not her coming in with a cup of tea and a packet of chocolate Hobnobs ready to take him to task about his behaviour, ready to argue why he should change approach to a problem. During those times he'd known he was being played but he'd been quite happy to go along with her, just grateful to be in her company.

They had been precious times.

How many nights he wondered had he sat alone in his office, a large glass of scotch in his hand, the bottle close to hand unsure and uncertain of the path he'd taken would no doubt have to take again, other people's lives in his hand. So many people imagined him, needed him to be invincible and that scared him because he knew that was untrue. And that untruth had become harder and harder to deal with as the losses mounted and he had to face them alone without the comfort and support of the one person he trusted. The one person who he could show his real self to.

And so his isolation had grown, his withdrawal from his team had been subtle but as the years moved on and the personal changed the atmosphere shifted. There was very little banter on the Grid and if the team ever decided to meet up at The George it was very unlikely that Harry Pearce would join them. Over time the team that had grown around him, respected him, maybe feared him but there was none of the friendship and implicit trust that had existed with the old team.

And that had been his fault.

He had to look away and take control himself or else there was a very good chance he would have a panic attack. They always frightened him in a way that was totally alien to him and over the long years of his isolation he'd spent a lot of time training himself to conquer them. They were a sign of weakness and Harry Pearce didn't do weakness.

Taking deep breaths he willed himself not to think of _them_ but even as he tried they came floating gently into his consciousness speaking to him in low tones, Danny, so young and yet so wise urging him to claim her before someone else did. Adam chiding him for not manning up and telling her how he felt. Ros calling him an idiot who really didn't deserve Ruth, telling him he would surely lose her if he didn't show some balls. Zaf scolding him in a playful manner about Ruth, telling him to get a move on before laughing in a self conscious way as he slipped away to be replaced by Jo who held out a hand to him telling him gently that he'd, they'd had enough heartbreak and that he owed it to all of them to try and make it work. Her last words to him were

 _She loves you Harry, she's always loved you and you've always loved her._

He knew that he needed to get a grip because if he didn't the others would come; they always did, always mocking,derisive, contemptuous as they used words as weapons to hurt him as they never could when they had lived. Oliver Mace sneering,contemptuous delighting in his pain, his loneliness. Manni taunting him, revelling in the fact that he'd killed George, that he'd been the one to drive such a catastrophic wedge between them. And worse of all the creeping,taunting caricature of himself who crowed over his many failures both as a man and as a leader. And he knew from painful experience that if he let that creature take charge he would be totally paralysed It was something that had never happened to him in a public place and as he began to practice the techniques he had been taught at Tring he prayed to a God whose existence he very much doubted that it would not happen now.


	18. Chapter 18

Let's go round again?

Chapter Eighteen

I'm hoping that this chapter is better received than the last one because although I do write primarily for my own pleasure to receive feedback is a lovely bonus!

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.

It seemed such a simple task, something that everyone did every moment of their lives from the moment they struggled into the unforgiving world until the moment they took their very last breath and moved onto to what ever horror was next. Yes, such a simple task but it was taking every ounce of his self control and discipline just to inhale and exhale. And pride, yes pride was playing a big part as he warned himself that if he let go and succumbed to a full blown attack it would surely become common knowledge amongst the crowd outside and worse than that Ruth would find out.

She would know what a broken wreck, what a parody of a man he had become.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.

As his breathing calmed the capering, jeering images that had been surrounding him faded away and he began to relax a little. Oh he knew for sure that they would return to taunt and goad him, they always did but it seemed that this time he'd managed to defeat them. He stood up taller and moved back towards the sinks intending to splash cold water on his face and neck but as he turned on the tap he made damn sure he didn't look at his reflection in the mirror. He wasn't strong enough or ready enough for that challenge just yet.

He was drying his face and neck with one of the soft fluffy courtesy towels provided when the rest room door was flung open and an elderly man who looked vaguely familiar crashed in. At first Harry thought that he was drunk but then he saw that although the man had been drinking he wasn't drunk just clumsy.

"Well bugger me!" the man exclaimed in a loud booming voice "If it isn't bloody Harry Pearce as I live and breathe, thought you were dead old man! Nice to see you, although if you don't mind me saying so you look fucking awful!"

Harry searched his memory trying to put a name to the face in front of him, trying to match the booming upper class voice to a recollection from the past but he was struggling. The only comfort was he supposed that the man must have been insignificant enough to forget.

"You don't remember me" stated the man, amusement evident in his voice. "Well that's a relief. Shows you never thought I posed a threat and you decided to put me out of your mind. Let me introduce myself". And he stepped forward with his hand outstretched in greeting "Arthur Symons late of Her Majesties Foreign and Commonwealth Office. We liaised briefly over the Cairo affair".

As he took the proffered hand Harry searched desperately for some recollection and then it came to him; Six had made a pigs ear of a simple exchange of prisoners accepting a terrorist who'd been in deep cover as part of the exchange only to have the woman disappear off the face of the earth after they'd brought her into the country. And somehow or other it had landed on his desk with the instruction to "Just bloody clean it up Harry". He'd been furious, he ranted and raved but in the end he'd had no choice in the matter and after a lot of patient work and digging the woman had been found and neutralised before she had been able to do any harm. What a polite way to put it he thought, what a benign way to sum up the end of a life.

The man was obviously waiting for him to speak and convention required that he do so "Yes I remember you now" he replied "That was a long time ago. I would hazard a guess that we were both very different people then."

"Yes well I suppose we were. We never did receive official word about the outcome of the incident but we supposed that it had been dealt with and we were informed in a round about but very clear way that any curiosity on our part would be shall we say be frowned upon. Are you still working? Surely not I'd heard on the network (Harry knew he was talking about _The Old Boys_ network that strange hybrid creature made up of males who came from the **right** families, attended the **right** schools and universities and belonged to the **right** clubs. In short what was known in Britain as the establishment) Well I just ask old boy because I could have sworn I saw the lovely Ms. Evershed earlier on this evening and now seeing you here as well. Well it made me think. Although I had heard that there'd been a bit of a _falling out_ between the two of you and she'd left the country? So I expect I've got it all wrong as usual?"

Harry got the distinct impression that the man was not going to move before he got an answer and after all all he had to do was rejoin the party, ask a few questions and he would know that Ruth was here. Part of him wanted to make the man work for his information but he was too wearied, too drained to play silly games. "Yes Ruth is here" he said quietly. His companion waited expectantly plainly hoping for some gossip but Harry refused to expand on his statement instead he moved to the door saying "Nice to see you again Symons but I must rejoin the party I've been gone an age and maybe just maybe I've been missed."

"Not by the lovely Ruth you haven't" Arthur Symons was pissed off that he'd been so swiftly dismissed just as he had been during their previous encounters. As far as he was concerned Harry Pearce was a jumped up pleb, not quite one of them, who was at best a necessary evil; an evil who'd terrified him during their last encounter but know seemed to be nothing more than a shadow of what he'd been. He'd heard on the grapevine that Sir Harry Pearce was in a bad way these days and he remembered how one of Pearce's old enemies at Five had crowed that he'd never been the same since the Evershed woman dumped him.

As he waited for Pearce to respond to his words he could see by just looking that the fire in his eyes had gone out and he decided to have some fun, to poke the bear with a stick so to speak.

"If you're intent on looking for the young lady Harry I saw her going out onto the balcony although I doubt very much if she'll thank you for it, when I saw her she was in the company of that American fellow Gary what's-his-name and I must say they seemed to be getting on like a house on fire, if you get my meaning."

Ruth was sobering up fast. She hadn't realised how much she'd drunk until they'd come outside and the cool night air had hit her. Gary was standing very close to her, too close for her liking but so deep in her own thoughts had she been that she'd not pulled away from him as quickly as she should have done. Now as she did move she swayed slightly and Gary stepped even closer to her catching hold of her arm as he said to her "Let's sit over there Ruth. You're exhausted, you've been working too hard, you take too much responsibility on to yourself. Please Ruth let me help you" he told her as he steered her towards a small secluded seating area tucked away from view. He seated her on the rattan sofa and noticing she was shivering slipped off his jacket and draped it around her shoulders. "Are you really cold" he enquired as he sat beside her slipping his arm around her shoulders "Or is it just exhaustion and maybe something more? Disappointment maybe? Maybe you thought that you could trust someone, someone who'd let you down before, someone who you were considering giving a second chance to and you've realised that they are just the same as they ever were? Sometimes Ruth you know the saying _**A leopard never changes it's spots**_ is true and you have to accept that and look around to see what else if being offered."

"Gary" she began not wanting to have this conversation, not now not ever. She was feeling small and plain and unloved and bloody angry, angry with Harry for fitting so neatly into the stereo-type that everyone had of him. That bloody woman had draped herself all over him and he hadn't seemed to be doing much to resit her blandishments and more than that angry with herself for even thinking that they had a chance to begin something cleaner, simpler than the mess that had been their relationship in the past but it had and it would always come down to a question of trust.

He'd let her down so badly in the past; would history just go on repeating itself and did she even want to stick around to find out?


	19. Chapter 19

Let's go round again?

Chapter Nineteen

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

He'd searched the entire room even sticking his head through all the various doors that led onto the large balcony but he'd had no luck, he couldn't see her. He needed to stay calm; he knew that because even as he searched he could feel his breathing accelerate once more. It was all a nightmare, a nightmare that he was very familiar with; he'd had it often enough. It was always the same; they'd meet in a small nondescript room, they didn't touch or even speak but he felt calm because of her presence; he felt himself relax and then for some reason best known to himself he turned his back on her and she was gone and the room turned into a maze, a labyrinth of dark tunnels filled with his fears, fears that had taunted him for years; his loneliness, his aloneness, his regrets, the very real feeling that he had wasted his life, the chances of happiness he'd missed because he was too busy being Harry Peace saviour of the nation when he should have been just Harry Pearce the man, the feeling of emptiness in his gut for all the friends he'd lost, the guilt was so huge it almost consumed him after all what was the use of keeping the nation safe when he'd been unable to keep them safe?

There were so many regrets and fears and he felt them overwhelm him once more just as they did in his dreams briefly closing his eyes he allowed himself to be dragged into the memories of those dreams; to feel the fear; to imagine the unseen dangers around every corner but as always he knew instinctively that Ruth was the one in danger not him and that he had to find her before she was consumed by the evil that he was sure was laying in wait for her. In his dreams he'd search and search to the point of exhaustion but he could never find her. And then just when he'd been going to give up,to accept that she was gone that he'd failed her again the scent of her would waft into his nostrils, the taste of her would be on his tongue, the feel of her would be on his fingertips and he'd be off again on a fools errand searching for the unobtainable.

That was when the worst part of the dream would happen, he would catch glimpses of her but she was far, far away, sometimes she was alone,sometimes she was weeping calling his name. At other times she was happy and smiling, holding the hand of a man whose face he couldn't see but it didn't matter where she was she always remained elusive; just out of his reach and he would wake up drenched in sweat, crying like a baby as he called her name.

And now it seemed that those dreams were somehow prophetic. The sane balanced part of his brain told him to pull himself together and think logically, told him she was still here, after all she could be in ladies or maybe she'd stepped out to take a phone call. There were rational explanations for her absence and he must remember that. But the jeering, capering dark side of him was whispering in his ear

 _She's seen through you you sad old fraud! She's done her duty, paid her dues and know she's desperate to get back to her safe life. The one you've dragged her away from. You selfish old bastard! Leave her be, it's to late for you but not for her. Leave her alone!_

"Lost her have you old boy?" said a mocking voice in his ear. Arthur Symons was enjoying his discomfort he could tell that as he went on "Surely you've not misplaced the lovely Ms. Evershed again? Bit of a habit of yours, bloody careless if you ask me!" and the man went off laughing at his own joke.

He had to find that idiot Seb if anyone knew where Ruth was he would; the man seemed to think of Ruth as his prize protégée and Harry was sure that he'd keep an eye on her movements. He knew he would have done. He spied the man by the buffet table and made his way over calming himself before he asked casually "Have you seen Ruth lately? She asked me to meet her but she seems to have disappeared. " he said it all in a light hearted way as though he really wasn't concerned just a little peeved at Ruth's apparent tardiness. As he stood waiting for Seb to answer his fingers tapping out a rhythm on the table beside him he slipped his mask in place and with an effort merged into the background, he had in effect made himself invisible, he'd learnt very early on his career that people only noticed people and things that interested them and he was making bloody sure that he was of no interest to anyone. It was a defence mechanism so that if Seb gave him bad news he'd be able to absorb it, dismiss it and carry on as though nothing he'd been told had affected him.

Part of him knew that he should admit defeat.

Go home back to the life that he'd carved out for himself, it wasn't so bad was it? He was his own boss, he had money enough to be comfortable, he lived in pleasant neighbourhood, he could travel when and where he wanted to, he answered to no one. He was his own master.

Yes he was his own master but what did that mean? What use was all the money in the world? Money didn't make you happy, he knew that from experience. The neighbourhood may have been pleasant but he knew few of his neighbours, choosing to make himself standoffish and aloof so that only the most persistent and curious still tried to engage him in chit chat. And as for travelling, travelling made him feel even more alone, more lonely. There was something soul destroying about sitting outside a café or restaurant watching couples and families passing; chattering, laughing, holding hands just revelling in being part of something that was bigger than themselves. That image always made his stomach sink and his heart contract. No, travelling was not something that he enjoyed at all, he may have had the freedom, he didn't answer to anyone but by God he wanted to!

He didn't want to be his own master. He didn't want to live with his arrogance, an arrogance that kept telling him he could face the future alone.

Gary moved away from Ruth exasperation written all over his face, his body language echoing his aggravation, he wasn't used to being thwarted like this and he knew that he'd have to change his tactics. "I'm sorry Ruth". To his own ears he sounded sincere and he hoped that Ruth would think so to. "I've been inconsiderate and selfish, it's one of my many failings. I need someone to take me in hand and temper my bad habits."

He'd thought about moving back to sit beside Ruth but his instinct told him that playing it cool was the thing to do right at this moment in time."Do you want to talk about it, him?" he asked surprised that he really wanted her to talk to him about his _rival_ for Ruth's affections.

She closed her eyes tight as though she wanted to block out the world and everyone in it

"It's complicated" she said in a small quiet voice so he had to strain to listen. "Harry and I; well we go back a long way. When I meet him for the first time he was my new boss, a powerful man, a force of nature who got things done. I was transferred from a local branch up to head office, well to Harry's department in fact. I'd been trying to make the move for ages it all sounded exciting and dynamic and I suppose in my own naïve little way I thought I could make a difference." She laughed again that small self deprecating laugh that he was starting to recognise.

"I was a lot younger then. Maybe I still believed in fairy tales. I don't know I can't explain it to myself let alone anyone else."

"When my workmates found out about the transfer and who I was going to be working for they were falling over each other to tell me about his; Harry's reputation as a serial womaniser and how I should watch myself or I'd soon be another notch on his bedpost. You know the sort of thing that I mean. I made a very inauspicious start on my first day. I was late and I dropped all my files; it was so embarrassing I just wanted the earth to swallow me up whole. I can remember waiting for Harry to bawl me out, to send me on my merry way back to whence I came but instead he made a silly joke and laughed and that laugh was one of the sweetest sounds I had ever heard.

Gary thought he heard her say something else, he thought he heard her say "I thought he was magnificent" but he wasn't sure and he didn't want to stop Ruth as she told her tale.

"There was a connection between us from the start, oh nothing was said, nothing improper was ever muted but over time the rest of the team noticed that Harry was softer with me, more likely to listen to advice from me and so I became sort of a go between when Harry was being unreasonable." She laughed as she said the words before she added "And he could be bloody unreasonable I can assure you of that."

Gary waited for her to carry on but she seemed to be lost in her own thoughts, he spied a water bottle and a couple of glasses on a table a little way off and stood with the intention of retrieving them. He was not surprised to find that she'd not even noticed he'd moved. Sighing he poured her a glass and placed it in front of her. In answer to her raised eyebrows he said swiftly "Water Ruth, just water I think we would both like to keep a clear head while you share your story with me."

She smiled at him, an enchanting smile that captivated him and made him even more determined to make her his wife "Carry on Ruth" he prompted "I'm sure there's more to your story and I'd like to hear it. Really I would."

She took a long sip of water and then another before she placed the glass on the table "We went on like that for ages, dancing around one another, exchanging glances, brushing fingertips. In a way it was all very Jane Austin,we lost some of the core team who were replaced by eager, keen bright young things but Harry and I were ever present; the backbone of the team I suppose you could say. Of course it was inevitable that there was gossip about us, gossip that I was unable to acknowledge. I hated being talked about always had so I ignored the obvious and just indulged myself in the game that we were playing. And then it all changed; Harry asked me out on a date, a real date, not a drink at the local with the rest of the team or a meet up at the home of other members of the core team."

She stopped and took another sip of water " And it was lovely, wonderful, magic. I was so unsure of myself I was a nervous wreck but Harry was funny and sincere and that night I was privileged to be shown a glimpse of the real Harry Pearce. And for a few brief hours I allowed myself to dream, to dream that against all the odds we could have a future together, that against all the odds a man like Harry Pearce could be interested in a woman like me. And do you know Gary those few magical hours were and still are some of the most precious of my entire life."

 **I have written and re-written this so many times and I'm no longer sure what works and what doesn't! I can only hope that some of you see some merit in at least bits of it and don't just see it as me indulging myself in flights of fancy!**


	20. Chapter 20

Let's go round again

Chapter Twenty

 **As I start to write this chapter it is my intention that it be the last one. My thanks to all of you who have stuck with me, it's been a long ride! I can't believe that so many of you have taken the time to leave review and PM me it is much appreciated. Thank you so, so much. Well if you decided to stick to the end you'll see that all my good intentions were for naught! Just ran out of steam and need to go away and think about what is coming next if anyone is interested that is!**

He waited for her to carry on knowing that if he were to have any chance with her he needed to know the story of her and the "old man". She'd been emotional whilst she was telling him about her early connection with the "old man" but Gary felt, no knew that the best thing he could do was to let her tell her story, it was obvious even to him that she'd not shared it before and he hoped that doing so would make it easier for her to leave the past behind and move on.

"You were saying" he whispered to her as he moved to sit next to her on the padded bench. "I can tell that this isn't easy for you Ruth but sometimes it does help to share, sometimes saying things out loud puts them into some sort of perspective and I'm all ears."

"It's difficult" she said in a small, lost voice. "Even thinking about him makes me less able to cope, to function. I'd spent so many years deliberately not thinking about him, not remembering him and now in the last couple of weeks everything has come crashing down on my head, into my head and I don't know where I am."

"You're here with me Ruth" Gary said as he took the chance to slip a comforting arm around her shoulder. "We can sit here all night if you want to. You can tell me the rest of the story or we can just sit here, it's entirely up to you, but I say again that I think talking about it will do you good."

She nodded at him slowly the look on her face unreadable. "Where was I?" she asked but it seemed the question was purely rhetorical as she carried on quickly "As I said I allowed myself to dream, allowed myself to indulge in wonderful fantasies for a few brief hours and then real life came crashing down around my ears. I should tell you Gary that I've always had a problem with people talking about me, about being the centre of attention. It's just not me, I'd much rather be in the background, under the radar if you know what I mean?"

There was nothing to say so he just nodded before she went on "Well when I went into work the next day full of the joys of spring one of our colleagues, a man who Harry trusted and respected and who I considered to be a friend told me how very happy he was that Harry and I had found one another. I was mortified Gary all I could think of was the gossip that would sweep around the organisation like wild fire and for the rest of the day I avoided Harry like the plague imagining all the time that everyone was gossiping about me. And by the end of the day I was a nervous wreck."

"Just take your time" he said as he handed her another glass of water "In your own time."

She smiled at him and squeezed his hand. "You're very kind" she said "And more patient than I deserve, you must think me a complete fool to get so worked up about events that occurred so long ago...but it's just...Oh I don't know!"

"And then what happened?" he prompted.

"Well that night after everyone had gone home I went into his office and told him that we couldn't see each other again. Out of work I mean." she shuddered "I will always remember his face" she said softly "He looked as though I had ripped his heart out, he seemed to crumple in front of me and I felt so bad for him, for both of us but it was something I had to do for both our sakes. Or at least that's what I told myself."

Ruth thought about telling Gary more but felt that the exquisite pain that she and Harry had shared over the following weeks was too personal to be ever shared with another human being and not for the first time she wondered what was wrong with her that she should count those torturous, harrowing weeks before her departure from Harry's side as somehow special.

!And then" she carried on "Outside influences came into play and the whole thing was settled for me. As I had feared Harry's enemies within the company got to know about our affection and decided to use me as a weapon against him. I was given the chance to make things easier for Harry and I took it. I resigned with immediate effect and left the country. And before you ask Gary Harry did try to stop me, he came to the airport

( The scene on that windswept freezing jetty on the Thames was too intimate and personal to share with anyone else and how could she explain the location without giving too much away?)

As I said he tried to make me change my mind but my mind was made up. I tried then and I have tried many times in the ensuing years to tell myself I did it all for Harry and that's true up to a point but some of it was for myself. If I was away from him, from his presence, his smile, his voice, the essence of the man then I would be safe...So I fled. Like a coward I fled."

"What happened to you?" he asked as he was drawn into this, well it was a love story wasn't it? A love story that had never been given the chance to bloom into something glorious. And he could tell that it still hurt Ruth ….a lot. His mind was trying to calculate how long ago it must have been that all this took place and he wondered at a human spirit that could carry the flame of love for so long.

She shifted in her seat seemingly suddenly conscious of how close he was sitting to her but he didn't move, in fact he turned his leg a little so that they were still connected from thigh to knee,something told him that keeping her aware of his presence was going to be essential if he were to make her open to a relationship with him. He could sense that relationship was getting less and less likely as she told him about her and the "old man" but his pride and his stubbornness made him determined to try as hard as he could yo win her and her affections.

"Tell me Ruth; what happened to you?"

"I had money so that was no problem but I was afraid that I would be sort out and I didn't want that so I decided to disappear under the radar. Free movement for E.U. Passport holders made it easier than you might think to cross borders within Europe and I'm quite resourceful when I put my mind to it." She smiled at him and for the first time he saw some vestige of humour in her face.

"That Ruth" he said "Is something that I would never ever doubt." And he returned her smile ten fold, taking the chance to slip his arm behind her shoulders but he didn't touch her...not yet, for now it was enough to have it resting on the back of the seat.

"Eventually I found myself on one of the Mediterranean islands, it doesn't matter which one and I found myself a job. Nothing high tec and stressful, I'd had enough of that world. No it was just routine admin work and I revelled in the freedom of it, in the freedom of the island. I fell in love with it, all of it."

"There was a man" the words were out of his mouth before he even thought about them, he just knew that she'd found someone. Was it the way her voice dropped when she said the word _love,_ was it perhaps the way her expression softened or maybe the tilt of her head. He couldn't really tell but he knew he was right.

"Yes there was a man. I was alone and lonely and he was kind and uncomplicated. Our relationship was never going to be the real thing, the real thing was back in London but he offered me hope and care. Respite from the inner turmoil that I was struggling with. He made it plain he wanted me even with all my baggage and it was easy, no not easy it was undemanding, yes that's the word undemanding to slip into being a part of his life, being part of his family and for a while I was happy. Well as happy as I was ever going to be.

But these things never last do they? Things with rocky foundations are never going to last and it all fell apart when the past came knocking. People get hurt, badly hurt and then there is no going back. All you are left with is regret, guilt and a corruption of everything that you thought you knew. Then all you can do is live with what you have done and if you're like me you look around for someone to share the blame for the wrongness of it all and I chose Harry."

"You were back in London by then? I'm trying to understand what it is you're telling me Ruth but I figure out you don't trust me enough to tell me the whole story. One day maybe you will. I hope so because I want to help you. I really do."

Gary was telling nothing but the truth, he did want to help Ruth but he was starting to think that the whole thing was far more complicated than he'd first thought. This woman was far more complicated than he'd first surmised and he was starting to feel out of his depth but he just couldn't let it go. He needed to know the rest of the saga.

"Yes, yes I was back in London...alone again and back working for Harry. What's it they say about a moth and a flame? Oh it wasn't easy; I was bitter and resentful and determined that someone besides myself should pay for my unhappiness. Harry was a changed man from the one I'd left, he was angrier, more remote, more isolated, more world weary but he accepted all the shit I dished out to him without barely a flinch and slowly but surely we started to re-build some sort of friendship. He made it plain that he still cared for me but I wouldn't allow myself to go there. Too much was between us by then. I thought the uneasy peace we'd created was all I deserved. And then, and then just as I was starting to think we could have more it all came crashing down around my ears. Oh I knew Harry had a past. What man like him couldn't have a past but I thought I was somehow different but a woman from his past, a woman who I thought he still cared for came back into his life and he began to manipulate me, to make use of me to achieve the end that he wanted. Harry had always been good at getting people to do his bidding but I thought that I was somehow different and even though I'd turned down any chance of a personal relationship with him I thought he respected me more than to make me do his _dirty work_ so to speak. And then we had one almighty falling out and I stormed out of his office, resigned on the spot and took myself off again. See what a coward I am Garry? Running away seems to be my knee jerk reaction to anything and everything."

"Maybe" Gary replied "It's just your reaction to Harry? You don't seem like the running kind to me Ruth. I've not known you long but I like very much the person you are and one of things I like about you is the way you stand your corner, the way that you're not scared to have your say. They are just a couple of the many, many reasons I want to get to know you more Ruth. And if I can take a bit of a liberty here I would hazard a guess that the problems not you but Harry and your association with him."

Something strange struck him and he asked "Why did you get in touch with him again Ruth? Or did he come crawling around you looking for someone to look after him in his dotage?"

 _Wrong thing to say Gary_ he chastised himself as Ruth's body tensed and her face turned away from him. He was torn between saying something in order to placate or just letting her think about what he'd said and hoping that he'd not gone too far, too soon.

"You don't understand" she said"Because I don't understand it myself, I've never been able to fully understand what goes on between us and that's part of the problem."

He had to speak then "Do you want to underrated the problem Ruth? Really understand it. It, he seems to have brought you nothing but heartache and doubt over the years and I would hazard a guess that it's taken a toll on you and your peace of mind. Am I right Ruth?"

She turned back to face him and the look on her face nearly broke his heart "Who says

that I have a right to have peace of mind Gary? Who says that I have the right to anything approaching peace of mind?"

"Everyone deserves to feel safe and loved Ruth, everyone deserves to feel safe enough to know what peace of mind is. I think there is a lot you're not telling me about you and Harry and I respect that. You don't really know me but I hope that you'll come to know me better. Come to trust me more and then if you fell the need you'll be able to tell me so much more about your past. But if in the end you decide that you don't want to tell me I can live with that. I just want you to know you'll be safe with me and that I'll always look after you. Put you first and care for you".

"It all sounds so uncomplicated and attractive" she sighed as she momentarily moved closer to him before she drew back again as if she were frightened to touch him in case that touch led her down a path that was forbidden. "But you hardly know me Gary. This is complete madness."

"Be a little mad Ruth. Be a little mad, maybe I'm asking too much. I know that I can be too full on, I need someone to make me calmer; we could, would compliment each other. I'll give you confidence and you'll give me stability. Come to America with me Ruth, let me show you how it could be between us. Please Ruth. Just give me a shot."

And taking his chance he pulled her to him and kissed her. At first he thought, hoped she was going to accept his petition, for that was what it was and kiss him back but after a few moments she placed her hands against his chest and began to push him away from her but he was determined that he would not lose this chance to have her in his arms, to make her understand that he was deadly serious about wanting to offer her his life. So in a moment of what he later realised was complete madness he slipped one hand behind her neck and pulled her to him kissing her with more force than he'd at first intended.

Ruth was now struggling to break away from him as she wrenched her lips from his and for a moment they sat staring at one another their breathing loud in their ears. Before either of them had the chance or the wit to speak an angry voice cut through the deafening silence.

" **Get your bloody hands off her now or God help me!"**

This is far longer than I intended. It just seemed to run away with me! I hope that it meets with more reaction than the last chapter as reviews, good or bad are always most welcome.


	21. Chapter 21

Let's go round again?

Chapter Twenty One

 **What on earth made me think that Chapter Twenty would be the last one? This thing is taking it's time. Just hope I'm not boring any of you who are still reading it!**

" **Get your bloody hands off her right now or God help me!**

Ruth and Gary sprang apart like a pair of teenagers caught snogging for the first time and for a moment all was embarrassment and awkwardness as they struggled to regain their composure and some semblance of dignity. Gary in particular had been thrown completely off track by the angry voice that had interrupted his attempts to show Ruth that she could allow herself to have a little fun .

Ruth on the other hand was just furious, she'd heard that voice and the angry tone of it before; many times before, some of those times it had been directed at her but never in such an intimate situation as she found herself in at the moment. And much to her increasing anger she could feel herself blushing. Yeah Gods she thought blushing at her age; what had become of her over the last few weeks that she could be cast back so easily into the skin of that shy, unsure young woman who had stepped so cautiously into the lions den that was Section D.

Gary had pushed himself up from the padded bench with all the dignity he could muster although his attempt at poise had suffered a little as he'd got his left foot somehow entangled in the throw that some kind person had draped over the back of the seat. Cursing loudly as he strove to regain his balance and his composure he stepped towards the intruder his hands balling into fists as he did so.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" he shouted "What the fuck do you think you're doing spying on people like that? What are you some kind of dirty old man who gets off on watching other people make out? You disgust me you filthy old pervert. Just fuck off before I...Before I!"

"Before you what" asked Harry his voice calm and even as he paced into meet Gary his face inscrutable, devoid of any emotion Ruth was suddenly very afraid of what he might do.

"Harry" just that one word stopped both men in their tracks so that they stood at more than arms length eyeing each other up. Gary seemed to have puffed himself up rather like a fighting cock as he moved from foot to foot obviously spoiling for a fight.

On the face of it if it came to a physical contest all the advantages of height, age and physical fitness were with Gary but Ruth was only too aware that Harry was more than capable of defending himself and indeed more than capable of making anyone who was foolish enough to take him on very sorry indeed. To anyone who didn't know him well Harry appeared to be in complete control of himself; only someone who knew him as intimately as Ruth did would see the tell tale signs. Signs that he was fighting his biggest enemy …...Himself. It wasn't the clenching and unclenching of his fists or the sardonic smile that played across his lips it was rather the stillness, the quietness, the way that he was sizing Gary up rather like a cat that was about to pounce on a hapless mouse.

She had to stop this before it turned any nastier than it already had and she needed to let Harry Pearce know just how pissed off with him she really was.

In the meantime the two men continued to stand and stare at each other across the space between them until Gary broke the heavy silence "What do you want old man?" he sneered "Just what do you want? Are you looking for someone to wipe the dribble off you chin? Or maybe to feed you with a spoon? Come on old man tell me just what you can offer a young vibrant woman like Ruth. From what I can tell you've had your chances in the past and you've blown them all you selfish old prick! God I bet you can't even get it up any more!"

All the time he was subjected to this tirade Harry's hands were clenching and unclenching as he made and relaxed fists, fists that he longed to plant into the smug, handsome young face of the man before him. He was still coming to terms with his outburst, it was not what he'd intended when he'd come looking for Ruth but seeing her in the arms of another man had brought crashing to the surface all his long hidden passions for Ruth and he found himself overcome by feelings of jealousy and rage.

When minutes earlier he'd finally been able to corner Seb he'd been in complete control well maybe not complete control but he'd been confident that he'd be able to talk calmly and rationally to Ruth when he did find her and what's more he'd be able to convince her to got for a meal with him and then maybe a walk by the Thames. Or even better they could pick up a take away and go back to his or hers? He'd not yet seen inside Ruth's home although he'd known where she lived almost from the moment she's moved in. _Bloody Hell_ he thought _She's going to be really pissed of with me when she ferrets that choice piece of information out!"_

Yes there was much to discuss still, much to confess and many bridges still to build but he'd been strangely confident that he could make her see they had a future together, that the past was another country and whilst it would always be there and would no doubt rear it's ugly head from time to time they could cope with it.

How different reality had turned out to be! Seb had started the rot by informing him in what could only be described as gleeful tones that Ruth and Gary had slipped away together onto the balcony. Adding in hushed words "I think that want to be alone together,well you remember how it is don't you Harry? It is Harry is it not? Yes of course it is. I'll tell you I was, well concerned when Ruth told me she'd met up with an old friend; a male friend. I was worried that something or rather some one might put a spanner in the works so to speak and derail my match making but now I see that I've nothing to worry about. You can't possibly be interested in our Ruth in that way. Oh don't look at me like that Harry. I know, I know I'm just an old meddler but at our age all we have left is our memories of past glories and a bit of match making."

"Harry had exhaled slowly as he counted to ten the way they'd taught him at Tring before he'd asked quietly and with care "Have you seen them lately Seb? I just want to say goodbye before I leave. That's all."

When the insufferable man had told him to try the terrace, adding that there were some hidden nooks and crannies out there so maybe he should call out before he disturbed the "love-birds" Harry had forced himself to smile and left the man before he planted a fist in his smug face.

"Harry what do you think you're doing?" The sound of her voice brought him back to the present wit a thud and as was always the case with Ruth he found himself struggling for the right words. "I was looking for you" he said. The words sounded lame even to his ears and for the first time he looked away from Gary and stared at Ruth trying to find some kind of understanding and forgiveness there. "You are an idiot Harry Pearce" the words made him shrink a little inside himself and once again he was scared that he'd blown any chance that he'd had.

"Yes, that's right you're a fuckin idiot! You tell him Ruthie, you tell him! You tell him to piss off and leave us alone and then we can get out of here, find somewhere where we can be alone together and make plans. Big plans Ruthie, big plans."

Ruth turned her attention away from Harry and said to her companion "In the first place Gary my name is Ruth, not Ruthie or any other corruption of Ruth. It's Ruth do you understand that? I can see that you do Gary. Good. And secondly I'm not going anywhere with you, we have no plans to make Gary. It was a moment of madness you must know that. It would be the biggest mistake of our lives and believe you me Gary I know because I've made some truly terrible mistakes in my sad and sorry life."

Ruth, Ruthie" there was a definite wheedling, petulant tone to Gary's voice now as he felt her slip through his fingers. "Please tell me that you're not thinking about a relationship with this loser! He'll drag you down, suck every bit of joy and delight out of you and leave just a husk. He's bad news Ruth, he's bad for you. Please Ruthie think about what you're doing. Please!"

"Believe you me Gary I've thought about it nearly half my life time and at this moment if I'm honest with myself I don't have any idea what I'm doing but what I do know for sure is that my over thinking things in the past have led to two people being very unhappy. And do you know something else Gary? Harry is the only man I've ever met that never tried to change me, who has always been happy with who I am; even when I was being an old mule and totally unreasonable."

Ruth allowed a small smile to dance across her lips when she called herself _an old mule_ and as Gary quickly glanced across he saw Harry was mirroring that smile, a smile he closed down quickly as soon as he was aware he was being watched.

"I don't know if we have a future". she carried on "But we have a past and that past has to be acknowledged and talked about however painful and difficult we find that".

As she'd been making the last statement Ruth had been looking directly at Harry and she was gratified to see a small spark of understanding and maybe just maybe hope spark in his dark shimmering eyes.

"This is a big mistake you're making" Gary was angry now, he knew he'd lost but he couldn't work out how; the couple; because that was what they were hadn't spoken directly to one another except for Ruth saying his name once and that had been enough to stop the bastard in his tracks. Just what was going on between these two? He was now convinced there was much more to their story than Ruth had been willing to let on and he felt cheated. "The guy is a loser and an old loser at that. Christ Ruth what kind of a future can he offer you? Let me save you from yourself ." And as he spoke he made a step towards her.

Ruth looked right through him as though he wasn't there, dismissing him as surely as if she'd slapped his face. Hard. And he knew in that moment that he'd truly lost and without a backward glance he walked straight legged to the door. When he reached it he turned sharply, more bitter words forming on his tongue.

What he saw stopped him in his tracks and the words died in his mouth. They still hadn't touched or even moved towards one another but some powerful emotion was passing between them, almost electrifying the air around them. Harry bowed his head gently towards her and the gesture was so intimate, so private that he had to turn away even though he knew neither of them was in any way conscious he was still there.

If he'd have waited a moment longer he would have seen Harry Pearce step towards Ruth before he took her hand and pulled her close to him before he said softly and with infinite tenderness "Did I behave myself Ruth? Did I win myself a chance to show you who I can be, who we can be?"

She laughed softly before she said " I'm still very angry with you Harry Pearce but if I'm honest I'm just pleased you didn't have a gun." even as the words passed her lips she was ashamed of them, it had been the wrong thing to say and her regret was deep and profound. He smiled at her before he said "I don't need a gun Ruth."

Somehow those few words said everything; he was telling her that the old Harry Pearce head of Section D was still there deep within, that he would always be Harry Pearce; good man, bad man, faithful friend, implacable enemy, lover of truth, consummate liar, patriot, assassin, leader; he was all these things, but as he stood in front of her he was surely telling her that he wanted to be more than all that in the future and he wanted to share that future with her and as if to cement that idea he stepped back from her and offered his hand to her uttering just one word "Ruth?"

She looked at his outstretched hand, his offer of a future and urged herself to be brave enough to take the chance of happiness.

 **Really don't know what to do next. Could leave it here or wrap it up with an epilogue which I fear will be a bit hearts and flowers!**


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